But her friend is nowhere to be seen. Now she walks through her sunken dream, to the seat with the clearest view (Life on Mars - David Bowie)

So the month has come to an end and I have really enjoyed the Bowie songs. I found it so difficult to chose the last one.  There were so many I wanted to use, but eventually I thought I could not go without using Life on Mars.  I still cannot believe David Bowie is no longer with us.  I know icons have to die; we all have to go eventually, but I guess I wish some of us could just last a little bit longer. Also, it reminds me that being 29 is really hard work. As always, enjoy!

Saturday:  I must have woken up three times during the night.  I managed to get back straight to sleep but I mean really!  At 3.00am the birds were singing. I guess it is the light pollution and the poor little things do not know if it is day or night. I was awake at 8.00am and made a cup of tea and snuggled back with my book ... bliss.

The builder was suppose to be coming to day to look at an ongoing issue in the flat.  I know builders; I lived with one!  Needless to say he did not turn up! We had to do some food shopping and and as soon as we went out I could not believe how cold and grey it was! Shopping done and back home.  Andy has gone to the Secret Cinema today.  This happens annually in London. For around £65 a ticket you go to the Secret Cinema.  You have no idea what the film is. Last year it was Star Wars.  The company that organise it send you details of how to dress and what the theme is but you do not know what the film is.

Last night he was sitting at the table making up a dossier of reconnaissance photos, maps and the phonetic alphabet ..  bless him!  It was like watching a child do his homework.  So this afternoon he left looking very smart in an Airforce jumper and shirt. I said to him that I do like a man in uniform ...... here ends a beautiful relationship!  I spent the afternoon completing some paperwork, but all good.  So a quiet night tonight, home alone, listening to the radio and reading. The song the Girl from Ipanema come on the radio. Oh how I like this song, it must makes me giggle. Years ago I watched an episode of An Idiot Abroad (if you have not seen any of them watch them, they are hysterical and just fuel my love of travelling). Needless to say, every time I hear this song this is the image that comes to mind.  As always, enjoy the total madness that resides in my head!

Sunday: Off to meditation first thing.  It was another cold morning in London. Only a couple of the 'usual' suspects there. Lovely warm welcome from the staff at the Trew Era Cafe, oh how I love that place. The normal demographics of the group appear to be changing, but I guess that is London.   Afterwards, I walked to catch a bus to take me to Euston. I went to the Wellcome Collection which is a museum, which in their words, invites you to explore what it means to be human. It was manic. Full of children. I went and had something to eat as by this time I found myself to be hungry.  That done I went to look at the exhibition I was there to see 'Tibet's Secret Temple' and today was the last day.  It is my fault, I was going to go last week when I was off work, but took myself off to Belgium instead.  I did start to queue but it was ridiculous.  It transpires that shortly after I gave up and left that they started to issue timed tickets.  It is a shame I did not get to see it, but that is London.  So much going on and not enough time to see everything.  The picture of the statue is taken in the entrance hall of the Collection and to be honest, with all the children being children and the sheer number of people, I felt like hanging upside down from the ceiling.


I made my way outside and took myself of to one of my favourite places in London: Tavistock Square.  If I won the lottery (yes, yes I know that is not going to happen but you never know, well you do actually ....) I would buy a small flat here.  I had a walk around the gardens in the square. I love it here, it is so peaceful.  In fact, the garden is dedicated to peace in the world. There is a statue of Gandi there and many of the benches have inscriptions on them. Also, there are a number of trees that have been planted there in commemoration of world peace. I guess my kind of place.  I sat, reading my book and freezing. I got thinking that it was ironically sad that this area as one of the places of the 7/7 bombings. You may recall, the number 30 bus exploded right by the BMA HQ at Tavistock Square. So terribly sad.  I did try to sit and read my book but eventually my fingers felt as if they were going to drop off.  Oh sunshine, where are you.  My whole day was not panning out how I intended.  I hopped on a bus and made my way down to Kingsway. Got off and walked over my favourite bridge: Waterloo Bridge.

One of the benches in the square

My apartment .......... in my dreams at least!

Waterloo Bridge is wonderful.  You can stand there, as I did holding my hat on as I thought any minute now it would blow off, and see so many of London's famous landmarks.  The sun was shining (but it was even more cold on the bridge), the tourists were out and I thought to myself, Spring is coming.  I continued over the bridge and popped into the Southbank Centre and picked up there catalogue for the next month. So much going on and I really do not know if or how I will fit it all in as I have a busy March as it is already planned.  By now I was thirsty and cold so went to Le Pain Quotidien which again, in their words, serves elegant boulangerie, serving simple fare.  I went to one last week in Brussels and enjoyed it and I have visited one previously in Kensington. I sat with a pot of coffee reading my book and was so pleased just to be warm. However, once again the place was full of children. I can't believe how intolerant of other people's children I have become.  All I wanted was a little bit of peace and quiet to read my book. Anyway, I enjoyed the warmth of the place and managed to read a chapter of my book, oh and the coffee was good. However, saying that, someone showed me a photo of the coffee shop they frequent ....... in Boston. No not the one in Lincolnshire, but the one in the States.  It looked beautiful.  I did say to them that if I had that on my door stop I would never leave.  You know me my friends and my Afternoon Tea thing. Note to self: go to the Tate Britain soon and treat yourself to the afternoon tea there, just like you did on your birthday.  Went to see the skateboarders who have returned and just sat for a while, on my favourite bench, watching the world go by. London is starting to come alive again.  You can tell things are starting to change and that excites me.  Spring is coming but I have missed my annual dose of winter sunshine.  

So back home now, in the warm and so ends another weekend.  Things did not pan out how I intended, but not bad considering.

As always, with my love x

He said I was his friend, which came as some surprise, I spoke into his eyes (The Man Who Sold The World - David Bowie)

Forget Lulu (for numerous reasons) Nirvana's was OK but Bowie's version of this is, in my opinion, outstanding. I am not a musician, far from it, but the guitar at the start of this track is great.  I am not going to bang on about it.  Just listen and as always, enjoy!

Monday:  The last week or so have been difficult.  Andy and I heard the words that everyone in London at the moment dreads to hear.  Rent increase.  Rent in London is very, very expensive.  For those of who you live in Stoke to give you an idea, I pay probably double what it would be to rent a terrace house in Stoke..... this is just my half!  I know our rent is low (well it is not but you get what I am saying) so to hear our Landlady say she will be increasing the rent this year has made us both very anxious.  I started to look around on Gumtree and I knew already that we should be paying at least £300 a month more for the size and location of our flat.  Also, our area is undergoing a great deal of regeneration at the moment so it was inevitable that prices would rise.  But the thought of both physically and emotionally having to move again sent me feeling very, very down. I have to feel secure and safe and I guess since 2011 that has not been the case. I love our little flat and the thought of having to find somewhere else to live that would include not only moving all my stuff but finding another doctor, library, shops and also moving into at least Zone 2 or 3 was an unbearable thought for both of us.

We had emailed our landlady a couple of times for some indication what the amount would be, bearing in mind that we would have to be moving by the start of April, which let's face it, is not a long way off.  She finally come back to us on Friday, just before I left for Belgium.  She is going to increase our rent by £8.50 each per month.  In London, trust me, that is absolutely nothing.  I was expecting us to have to find another £200 each per month by market prices.  To say Andy and I are over the moon is a slight understatement.  We are so, so happy that we can stay in our lovely home.  For us to buy something we would have to be earning between us well over £100,000 per annum!  We both work for charities. Even with a deposit (which could be provided) we have no chance whatsoever in ever buying anything. However, we seem to have a fair landlady and for that alone, I am most thankful. So I will sign another lease for another 12 months and will go without one Japanese meal a week (I only have one a month) to find the extra money lol.

9.00 to 5.00 done ........ thank goodness and a quiet night as I have a rotten headache ....... I really cannot think why!

Beautiful blue sky London

Tuesday: Beautiful blue sky morning in London and the sun is bouncing off the Shard.  I may have to wear sunglasses for my commute today!  Spring is teasing us at the moment, she is on her way but first we will have some more cold weather.  Dilemma today.  Many of you who know me, will, I hope, consider me as a generous person and I do try to be kind whenever possible.  However, there comes a time when I am pushed to the limit.  Today was that day. I was asked to contribute to something (financially) that would have been easier just to do but because I felt so strongly about it, I refused. Emails pinged to and from me and another and still I thought .... fuck it!  They are not worth it and I stood my ground.  I am just wondering what, if any, the repercussions will be.  I shall continue with a professional, working relationship .... but that is all!

Tonight I was at my little theatre just up the road, the Southwark Playhouse.  Oh I love this theatre and like I keep saying, I have never seen anything bad there.  Tonight was no exception.  The play was called Orphans and it was set in America and it was about two brothers, dragging each other up.  I cannot tell how brilliant this play was.  It was funny, sad, violent, moving and amazing. It was such a heartbreaking story about being left alone to cope in the world. On the way home I just stood on the main road by my flat looking up at the stars, it was such a clear evening.  Also, you could see Jupiter right next to the moon.  It was amazing.  Oh how I love looking at the stars.  It was a really good night out.

Old Street

Wednesday:  Two days training now ........ at least it is a change of office and it is also in one of my favourite places I would like to work .. Old Street.  Andy is working away tonight so I will have the flat to myself when I get home. Really good day at work today, I am really enjoying the training.  Back to the flat and I gave myself a lazy night, catching up on some TV I have missed and chilling out in my room. Ended up having a lovely chat to my dear friend Jackie in Staffordshire and then a lovely on line chat with my friend in New Zealand and watching the Brits.  Great tribute to David Bowie ........ I still cannot believe he his no longer with us.

Thursday:  I have really enjoyed the two day training and it was good to be back up Old Street.  After work I went to the Post Office and had to queue for 40 minutes! I was not impressed. Back home and Andy was already there. Today is his birthday. He is now the same age as me .... 29.  He has been working away so was exhausted so I cooked some pasta.  We had a catchup and a natter then we both went to our separate rooms at 20:30 as he was tired and you know what I am like being in my room.  So another quiet night but it is all good as I have a really busy few weeks coming up ...... so watch this space.

Friday: Well I slept like a baby.  Why do we say that? In my experience of having a baby, they do not sleep.  Far from it.  My daughter was always awake and made sure I knew about it!  But it is Friday! Busy and productive day at work; but I am on a one-woman mission.  Quiet night tonight.  I was going to go for a drink after work.  The sun was out and it was Friday night.  However, by the time I left work, the sun had gone in and it was rather cold and the whole thought of sitting outside the pub reading my book had kind of past. But all good.

Interesting turn of events this evening. News has reached me that someone has finally found their backbone or balls depending on your perspective. Interesting development, but hey I am happy and that is all that matters.

Tonight I remembered my favourite episode of Doctor Who.  I said to Andy I can do geek.  My favourite episode is the one when Doctor Who meets Vincent Van Gough.  It is brilliant.  They take Vincent to the Musee D'Orsay to see how successful he really was.  Bill Nighy is the curator and speaks so highly of Vincent Van Gough who is listening.  There is a song by Athlete called Chances that plays throughout. I remember the first time the episode was aired I sat there crying my eyes out whilst 'others' just looked on.  I have watched it again tonight and made Andy watch it, and yes, once again, I sat and sobbed. So here it is, get the hankies ready!

As always, with my love x

I still don't know what I was waiting for, and my time was running wild. A million dead-end streets and every time I thought I'd got it made It seemed the taste was not so sweet (Changes - David Bowie)

A true Bowie classic.  Originally on the classic Hunky Dory Album in 1971 I guess once again, this song impacted on my early teenage years .... well that and Wuthering Heights and look at the love life there!  I thought the lines I used for this blog were quite poignant and as always, enjoy!

Thursday afternoon:  There are so many good things about living in London and one of them is that I can catch a tube from just down the road and be at St Pancreas station in twenty minutes.  St Pancreas is such a beautiful station.  If you have never been there I would strongly advise you go along to have a peak. It is such fine example of Victorian architecture as well has home to some fabulous shops.  As I had only booked this little jaunt a few hours earlier, first stop was to go and collect my tickets.  That done and dusted it was time to tick things off the bucket list.  My ex and I were going to do this trip, today it was me on my own and that was just fine.  Many years ago I watched an episode of Holby City and Connie Beauchamp was leaving the series and it panned to St Pancreas station as she was waiting for the Eurostar.  She was at the champagne bar and I said to myself (and my ex) that I was going to do that one day.  Today was that day.

The champagne bar runs virtually the length of the platform.  Today it was freezing but I did not care, it had to be done.  I chose the Champagne Breakfast which consisted of a glass of really lovely champagne.  To be honest, I am not normally one for champagne, but this was gorgeous. Along with the champagne there was eggs Benedict and a selection of pastries all washed down with a pot of tea.  Pricelss (and reasonable under the circumstances).  I sat there thinking that I could really good used to this (I wish).  It was such a great start to my little break and certainly one of my better ideas.

Soon it was time to check in for my train. I have been wanting to go on Eurostar for years but being stuck up North it was quite difficult to do because of the journey from North to South before you start.  I had booked a seat with a table and took my place and soon we were off.  It was strange seeing places I recognised, The Queen Elizabeth II bridge at Dartford, Ebbsfleet Station which is really in between Swanscombe and Northfleet. I got quite nostalgic when I went past parts of Gravesend I recognised and the chalk landscape.  It is strange the things that remind you of your childhood.  Chalk was always plentiful and all that is being missed by children now. 

Soon we were under the tunnel and in France and I just sat back and enjoyed the journey. There was some snow in northern France and the journey was narrated by a maths lesson with children being taught, of all things, BODMAS. The train stopped at Lille then on to Brussels.  Here I changed trains. The gap between the trains in Belgium is really huge, especially if you have little legs and a dodgy foot (still).  I found the concourse and looked at the board.  So many towns, places, adventures.  Finally, found something that looked like Bruges that was leaving in two minutes.  My tiny little legs got a wiggle on and there I was on a commuter train out of Brussels.  The trains were double decker and I cannot for the life of me (well apart from the bridges and their height) wonder why we do not have those trains here.  I love going to places where everyone speaks a different language to you.  I guess London is like that. The ticket inspector come along and I handed her my ticket and just smiled, as  you do.  She did look very smart in her uniform of a fitted jacket, trousers, scarf and bowler hat.  The language was very strange, a mix between Dutch, German and French.  The good thing about having a knowledge of one of these languages is you can make a guess of what is being said, especially when reading things.

I just love the sheer excitement of travel.  The thought of getting lost excites me, the excitement of meeting new people makes me just smile.  It is like a huge adventure into the unknown.  Travelling alone is wonderful.  I know I keep saying it, but everyone should do it just once. When I mean alone, I mean alone. Not in a tour, group or a couple.  Just you, your thoughts, your fears, your excitement ...... just you.

The train terminated at Bruges and off I got into the dark and wet of the night. I did not have a clue where I was going, but then do I anyway?  I just followed people towards the old buildings.  I finally got good old Google maps up on my phone and much to my surprise I was literally a few metres away from my hotel.  My first impression of Bruges, albeit in the rain, was that it was stunningly beautiful.  My hotel was lovely. I could not believe my luck as my whole trip had really not cost me much, but will cost me even less next time as I will book it early and do it all myself.  I had a single room, comfy bed, tea and coffee making  facilities, which is always a bonus. A TV with BBC One and Two, great shower and it was warm.  I soon unpacked and was off out to have a mooch around.
I decided to  to book breakfast for the next morning, it was 12.50 Euros, around £9.60.  I am always cautious to do this being a vegetarian but thought why not.  I went out and it was still raining.  There was hardly a soul around.  The lighting was very sparse and the roads were cobblestoned. It was like a scene from a Disney fairytale.  However, I really was not expecting to meet any Knight in boxers let alone armour.  My first impressions, apart from the Disney thing was if I put on a pound with every chocolate shop I passed by the end of five minutes I would be a stone heavier.  Bruges is chocolate heaven. There are so many shops. Unbelievable.   I found a little restaurant not too far from my hotel.  To be honest, by now I was exhausted.  I had not got to bed until turned two that morning as I was booking the trip and now it was, with the hour difference, around eight.  The restaurant was very quaint and I ordered mussels in white wine, chips (this is the local dish) and a beer.  A huge steaming pot of mussels was soon delivered and to say I enjoyed them, and the beer, would be an understatement.  I finished it off with a waffle, another local dish.  By now I was so tired and full so paid my bill, which I have to say, was not cheap.  It appears that food is quite expensive in Belgium but beer and chocolate is cheap!  I made my way back to my little room (me and little rooms) and was soon safe in the arms of Orpheus ...... no I never copped off, research your Greek mythology!



Friday Bruges:  Well after all the rain of yesterday I awoke to a beautiful, blue sky morning.  Showered and down to breakfast. It was OK.  Not as good as the breakfast when I went to Berlin but there was enough there to get me through. I sat reading my book and eating and planning my day. I did not have a clue about Bruges so this was the ideal time to do some research.  Back to the room to get Beatrice and sunglasses and I was off.  It was much busier this morning than last night but my first impressions were the noise of the horse drawn carriages clip clopping along the cobblestone streets and the church bells ringing.  It was such a beautiful morning.

I decided to take one of the boat trips along the canals.  Bruges is known as the Venice of the North and a I can see why.  The canals are beautiful.  The trip cost eight euros and apart from two whinny, middle classed, spoilt boys in the queue behind me, it was great.  Note to self: do not book annual leave ever again when it is school holidays, you have been there, done that one!

After the trip I walked around, taking in the architecture and atmosphere and then went to the little tea room opposite my hotel for a cup of coffee and a waffle.  I just love sitting, watching people go about their business.  I decided, as I was near to my hotel, to go back and leave my camera and have half an hour . . . . because I could.  I spent time looking on Google to see what there was else to do.  Then I saw it.  I left the room and went to the Half Moon Brewery which was literally across the road from my hotel.  For eight euros (there is a theme here) you are taken on a tour of the only remaining brewery in Bruges.  It was so interesting. The guide really was informative.  There was about 16 of us on the tour and it took around 40 minutes.  Some of the steps were, with my bad foot, challenging.  But I had a word with myself and just go on with it.  We ended up on the roof, looking at the most stunning views of Bruges.  The tour ended up in the bar/restaurant where you had a free glass of their beer which is called Bruges Zot, which translated means Bruges Idiot.  It was really lovely.  For all of you who know about beer this was not pasteurised as they keeps some back just to serve in the bar.  It was so nice, just sitting there, reading my book, which by the way was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo which is brilliant, drinking beer.  I had two pints, or whatever they served it as. I did feel rather relaxed shall we say and decided that I would not eat out as it was expensive and that I would take some food back to my room.




By now it was around 6.30pm so I grabbed some food, which to be honest, was not brilliant and was, in my opinion over priced and went back to my room. I spent the evening reading my book and eating the occasional chocolate that just happened, and I do not know how, to end up in my room.

Saturday Bruges, Brussels and London:  I was awoken in the night by the torrential rain but managed to get back to sleep.  The alarm clock woke me. I showered and threw my few things into my suitcase.  As usual, I had taken far too much with me. Checked out the hotel and made my way back to the station. It was a grey morning.  I had to wait 20 minutes for the train to Brussels and when I arrived there I then thought, oh what shall I do now?  This is the woman who used to plan everything down to the last detail.  I went for a coffee and then went to check out the trams.  I could make head nor tail of it. Then I had a brainwave. I went to the train ticket office and asked if I could use my Eurostar ticket to catch a train to Brussels Central.  I could.  Brussels has three major stations (they probably have more).  Brussels North, Brussels Central and Brussles Midi or it is called South, or Zuid.  How many names.  Flemish is really a strange language and I noticed in Brussels how they spoke what I recognised as French. 

Bruges from the top of the Brewery

Bruges from the top of the Brewery

I caught a train to Brussels Central (one stop) and walked straight into a demonstration.  What is it with me.  However, on the plus side, there were some rather hot looking police officers.  Every cloud.  I followed every one else and ended up at the Grand Palace.  Wow!  It was so lovely.  I had a look around and went to buy some more chocolates to take home as I had scoffed the ones the night before.  I got chatting to a woman there who was Flemish but had lived in Bermondsey, just down the road from where I am living now.  We had a good old chat and I am sure she gave me more chocolates and charged me less. Went for a cup of coffee and sat watching the world go by. Quite content.

Made my way back to Brussels Central and on to Brussels Midi, South or Zuid - you choose.  Checked in at the Eurostar terminal and then onto my train and I was off again, across Belgium, then France then under the tunnel and back in my home county of Kent.  Before I knew it, I was back at St Pancreas where my little, on the spur of the moment adventure had started.

Called in Wasabi and grabbed some Japanese food and then caught the tube and a few stops later, there I was home.  I really had a fantastic time.  Just to do something like that on the spur of the moment.  No planning. No idea where I was going. It was great.  I loved the Eurostar and I will be definitely doing it again. The question is to where?  Case unpacked and washing on and I spent a quiet evening catching up on chores and TV programmes.




Sunday:   No meditation group for me this morning. I need a lazy day and not to be woken by the alarm.  Stripped the bed and ironed my clean bedding and made my bed up. Did some chores around the flat (more about that later) then nipped out to get some food and to go to the library to get the next in the Stieg Larsson series of books.  Quiet day but that was what I needed to be honest.

Brussels

As always, with my love x

Hey man, my schooldays insane. Hey man, my work's down the drain (Suffragette City - David Bowie)

This Bowie track takes me back to my late teenage years.Those impressionable years when you do look back realise that they shaped you in more ways than you could every imagine. For me, this song is fall of energy and I can remember it being played at the Steve Maxted Disco at the Woodville Halls in Gravesend. Now I wonder how many of you remember that iconic event every Wednesday evening.  My Father used to pick me up at outside of the Woodville Halls at 10.30pm sharp ..... well according to my Mum.  The reality was, my dear old Dad used to wait around the corner, just in case I coped a snog.  She never knew.  As always, enjoy!

Monday:  Well this turned out not to be any old Monday.  Half way through the day I had managed to arrange a date.  New month; new date!  I shall call this one Noel as in Gallagher as he plays the guitar.  That is the only resemblance to the lovely Noel he had thought. Nice bloke (you won't hear me say that very often).  He does not live in London so that is a tick but come up on the train to see me.  I met him at Blackfriars station and whilst I was waiting looked at the river.  I will never get tired of looking at that view.  London you looked so beautiful.  I just stood there watching the river and the darkness come.  I was perished.  It was so bloody cold. Noel turned up and we had a lovely evening.  But you know 'Deborah' from my Ladybird Dating book ......... she has had many, many, many dates and still has not found one she really likes ...... sigh!

Tuesday:  Tired this morning as late night last night.  That is the problem having fun on a school night.  9.00-5.00 done and I was back home, PJs on by 5.30.  Tonight I will do absolutely nothing. Well a load of washing, paperwork and finances, but you know what I mean.  I am off Thursday and Friday and was trying to plan a little trip out of town.  But it is half term.  Why I decided to take two days off at half term I really do not know. Needless to say, it has restricted me on where and how I can go.  But I will figure it out.  I always do.

Wednesday:  I do like Wednesdays.  I always have and probably always will. This morning Wednesday was kind.  Andy and I have been cooking and eating together, well as and when we can,  since January.  Today it paid off.  We are at the theatre tonight (more about that later) and I did not want to go to out from work in my stuffy work associated clothes.  So I thought I would dress down a bit today and I found a pair or trousers I purchased back last year, in the sale, that never fit.  Yes girls, I know you can oh so relate to that one.  Today on they went and zipped up like a rocket.  How smug am I feeling!  Makes all the hard work worth it.

So tonight me and Andy were at the theatre to see War of The Worlds.  We went for some delicious Italian food first then off the the theatre.  When we arrived they had the red carpet out for us ...... well for everyone.  We did not have a clue what was going on but as we walked in the theatre I got papped by a photographer.  It dazzled me.  I can really see why the 'Celebs' do not like it. We asked a rather gorgeous barman what the occasion was and he said it was Press Night.  We took our seats and then to our mutual amazement, well more so for me because I recognised him, Jason Donovan walked by.  I wonder if he got his tickets on Time Out I thought to myself.  

The show was good.  I think it was drawn out in places, but the music was great.  David Essex, Timmy Mallet so Andy thought, but it was in fact Jimmy Nail ...... I can see his train of thought God help me.  Daniel Bedingfield, who was very easy on my eye, and a sugar babe were amongst the cast.  It was good, not wow oh my goodness good, but it was a good night out.  

Back to the flat and thoughts started to be drawn to what am I going to do with my two days off.  So I booked a holiday, as you do.  Something off the bucket list.  The fact that it is half term grrrrrr did not help. But Super Slooth found something. I was going down to Brighton to see the sea, but the weather is suppose to be awful the next few days.  So I thought sod it. Let's go on adventure.

Thursday:  I got to sleep eventually around 2.30am.  I was busy booking a trip. One of the many increasing things on my bucket list is to go on the Eurostar. So I am going, today to Bruges.  I am so excited.  I have thrown a few things into a case, got my Euros and I am off on the 13:00 Eurostar to Brussels.  Being singe is not always good. It can be lonely and frustrating (in more ways than one at times).  Yet sometimes, just sometimes, it throws you up an opportunity where you do not have to worry about him, the kids, the dog, the car, the rubbish. You grab it and you run with it.  I know nothing about Bruges except it has water and is old. It has beer, mussels and chocolate so it will be just fine. I have stopped collecting 'stuff', buying things for the sake of it.  I have enough clothes, I don't buy books any more, I use the library. I am now collecting memories.  There will not be much stuff or money left for anyone to crawl out of the woodwork to argue over when I bail out.  

So here I am, sat on my bed writing this. Case packed and ready for the off. 

Spontaneous, me? Yeah of course I bloody well am.  Life is for living.

As always, with my love x

Planet earth is blue and there's nothing I can do! (Space Oddity - David Bowie)

I do wonder who actually reads this waffle? Then the next question is, why do they? I chose this song because of the above line: Planet earth is blue and there is nothing I can do!  It sums up just how I am feeling at the moment.  No good dressing it up, making it sound easier.  It is what it is and it is not good at the moment.  Here's the song, enjoy:

Saturday:  A grey, damp Saturday morning in London. Today I had to attend an appointment that I really did not want to go to.  But because I am a good person I went.  I wished I hadn't. Did I learn anything? Yes. But it is three hours of my life I will not get back.  I filled in the evaluation form and was honest saying I found it patronising at times. I also balanced it with some positive feedback but I don't think they liked me very much.  Which is cool as I don't like me very much at the moment either. Went to the Posh part of Peckham where I had been previously with my friend Sarah to grab a coffee; the cafe had closed. But I found somewhere to get a drink and then spotted Spring in South East London, that made me smile!

I have the most rotten of colds and it is dragging me down.  Poor old Andy.  I do feel for him. I come back from Peckham (where the appointment was) and started to cry. He is so good with me, he doesn't have to be. He doesn't know what to do with me but at least he is here.  It is all I have. I was going to a new Meet Up this evening but I did not feel well enough both physically and emotionally to go.  So I didn't.  Fortunately, Andy is out with his friends tonight so I do not have to put on a brave face.  I guess I just want someone to give me a hug ........... and that is not going to happen either.  So quiet night in my room, thinking, plotting and planning.

Sunday:  I actually woke up feeling slightly better and made my way up to my little Meet Up group at Hoxton.  My Sunday morning ritual.  The cafe was really busy and as always, the group was wonderful.  Such lovely, positive people. Just what I needed.  The sun was still shining as I left and caught a bus down to London Bridge. 

Twenty five years ago today my dear old Dad died.  I am the same age as him now and that thought terrifies me.  I went to the Chapel at Guy's and lit three candles.  One for my Dad, one for others passed and one for Megan.  The light coming from the three candles was amazing and I did have to smile. I sat and reflected on opportunities missed and times past and then made my way to a bench near to the re-built building where he died.  I get great peace from this and today it was more so.  

Walked home in the cold winter sunshine and sat and had a cup of tea with Andy.  We have a dilemma at the moment and we both feel trapped by it. Hopefully, in the next few days we will have an answer and can start to plan. Neither of us like the uncertainty.  Also, today is St Valentine's Day and Andy and I are feeling like the Raggy Dolls.  I am not sure if you will remember them but it was a children's programme about some dolls who were not perfect, but it did not matter.  Andy and I are Raggy Dolls, just thrown in the reject bin.

But like I said to him as I gave him a hug, we both have each other and always will.  Neither of us will leave the other high and dry and that means the world. So I guess it is OK being a Raggy Doll.

Wasabi Japanese food for Sunday lunch (as you do).  Washed and out to a new Meet Up. I walked to Waterloo and 30 minutes after arriving ................ I was back home.  This Meet Up group was to encourage people to practise their English. It was utter chaos.  No organisation. In all fairness, the pub was busy as the rugby had been on.  But I was given a label with my name on and stating that I speak English and was happy to 'teach'. I stood there and waited and waited and then thought  ...... do you know, I can make myself feel bad without anyone else doing it to me.  So I just walked away.  I swear if anyone said to me I need to try harder I would scream.  I walked into a busy London pub, twice as I could not find the group, on my own.  How many of you could do that?

Back to the flat and Andy was home the same time and we sat and watched the West Wing, trying not to reflect on our weekend .......... Raggy Dolls.

As always, with my love X

And I will sing, waiting for the gift of sound and vision, Drifting into my solitude, over my head (Sound and Vision - David Bowie)

Another blast from my past.  How can you not like this one.  OK there are not many lyrics on this track and I did wonder what to use.  But the music is, well in my opinion, wonderful.  Blue, blue, electric blue, that's  the colour of my room, where I will live ............... well you all know by now how I love to feel safe in my little room!  As always, enjoy!

Monday:  I spent the early hours of the morning with my dear old friend 3:33 until 5:00, then when the alarm went of course I did not want to get up. But hey it was cool as I was greeted by my other new friend: headache! I walked to work this morning and the first thing that literally crossed my path was a lorry from Stoke on Trent. I was listening to Creep by Radiohead.  I could really relate to the lyrics which include lines such as:  'what the hell am I doing here, I don't belong here.  I treated myself to something for my desk today during my lunch break. Just a little something to keep my focussed.  I ended up leaving work at 17:45 but it was OK I needed to do some work.

Back to the flat and dinner warmed up, cup of tea made and feet up. Had a lovely catch up chat with my friend Jackie: tears and laughter. Then finished off the evening watching X Files. Oh how I used to love watching this.  I said to Andy that David Douchovny still ticked some boxes: tall, dark then Andy said weird ..................

Tuesday:  It happened.  I have a cold! Yuk and pants.  So quiet day at work.  I just kept my head down, headphones in and worked and worked. Slow walk home and I cooked dinner tonight as Andy was out, I made the soup for lunch too. Then just lazed in my room.  I should have been at Aquafit but to be honest, I cold not face it and getting wet and cold isn't going to help is it.  There is nothing I can do or take.  I will just have to get on with it.  There are plenty of people I know who would like to be here still with a cold.

Wednesday:  Yuk. That is how I feel.  I dragged myself to London Bridge to a meeting that transpires was eight days ago!  How I managed to sync that to my diary I haven't a clue, but I did.  Bus back to work and all was not good.  I felt so ill.  I went home and had a shower and change of clothes and back on the bus for my outreach.  I could not face food but had my dear old Dad in my head saying have some toast sweetheart.  What is it with toast and being ill?  I shared my bagel, due to the lack of a toaster in the park, with two robins and a crow.  

After work it was to the hairdressers.  I have struggled to find a hairdresser since arriving.  I thought I had found one then when I had my highlights put in they were more like streaks ....... I was not happy.  So I have been putting it off until I really had to do something about it.  So I went somewhere new tonight. I am pleased with it.  She used a warmer colour and warmer highlights which do look natural.  She then blow dryed my hair and put long curl/twirls in it.  Just call me Beyonce! Andy loved it so I am going to by him/me some rollers and we will try to relive it. I told him he is gay so he should be artistic rather than autistic!  So watch this space. 

Thursday:  So I washed my hair.  I thought, what is the point going to work with it ......... there wasn't any.  Needless to say, no one said a word about it anyway.  It has been a long, long week.  I think because I do not feel well has not helped.  Also, we had some news this week which, may, may, impact hugely on our future.  But I am really trying not to worry about that until I know more. I also had a bit of a shock today.  My phone rang at work and it was an 01782 number - which is the area code for Stoke.  I was like a Pavlov dog.  My heart sank and so did my face as one of my colleagues asked when I returned to my desk if everything was OK? That alone was amazing.  It something of nothing but it proved to me, once again, as if I need any proof, that the past is still very much in my present.

I was out with PPLP tonight.  He is moving from his room across the road to Raynes Park which in London speak is another continent.  To be honest, I really did not feel like going out, but I made the effort.  He called over to the flat to drop off a bag for me to look after and we just went to the local pub. I thought it would be quiet; it wasn't.  We had a lovely catch up, sharing both our news. Tomorrow he flies home to France for a couple of weeks, then back to his new place.  We said of course we shall keep in touch.  We will.  

Friday: Well I have been awake since 4.00am! This is not good.  All sorts of stuff racing through my mind, coupled with cold, coupled with meh.  Like I said previously, it has been a long week and I feel today shall be a long day.  I started to watch the BBC programme about elderly 'celebrities' trying to see if they could retire to India, as in the film the Most Exotic Marigold Hotel.  Even though this was at 5.00am it filled my head with even more anxiety and thoughts.  No wonder I could not get back to sleep.  

However, I did have a bit of brainwave this morning and something I need to explore fully.  So hopefully, my early start to Friday was not a wasted one.  We shall see (I always say that but I never seem to see anything lol).  It has been a long week.  I feel terrible this evening but hey ho, there are plenty in the Crem who would rather be here with a cold than not here at all.  But hey it is now the weekend.

As always, with my love x

The Jean Genie lives on his back. The Jean Genie loves chimney stacks. He's outrageous, he screams and he bawls. Jean Genie let yourself go! (Jean Genie - David Bowie)

Music, when you hear it can do one of two things.  Make you smile; or make you cry.  This song kind of does both.  I was 12 when this song come out (you do the math) and my brother would have been 9.  Now at that age those three years are a gulf, especially between siblings.  I was at secondary school, all grown up ...... well in my head which ironically the opposite to now.  David, my brother was still at primary school.  The line 'Jean Genie loves chimney stacks' is the line that makes me smile.  My brother would always sing 'Jean Genie loves chicken snacks'. No matter how much I told him he was wrong, he would not listen.  Even when I hear this song now, it takes me back to those heady days of the NME lyrics page.  I wonder if, when he hears this song, he still sings chicken snacks?  As always, enjoy!

Saturday:  I woke at 6.10 to go to the toilet and thought, bugger I have to be up for work in 30 minutes then remember, much to my absolute joy, it was Saturday. But could I sleep! In the end I put some rubbish on the TV and drifted off, only to wake at 10.00 to a barrage of text messages from Andy stating that he was going out and would be back later and don't worry.  I missed all of that.

Lazy start to the day, which was a huge mistake as I had a headache for best part of the day.  Plan A had fallen through, and Plan B so it was Plan goodness knows what.  Washed dressed and out of the door and I caught a bus outside of my flat that took me to St Paul's Cathedral.  I went to the Museum of London to see an exhibition on tattoos.  I had seen it advertised and put it on my list. However, whilst it was interesting it appears that they had virtually used all the displays and information in the advertising I had seen, so when I actually got to the museum there was very little else to see.  However, I had a look around and really liked the place.  Apart from the children. Saturday and Sunday in London is children day.  Well, children and mainly Dads day.  It is obviously contact day and where better to take your child but to a museum where they can ran riot and you can tick a box to say you are a good father.  I did wonder what the mothers were doing whilst the, and I am assuming here, estranged fathers were looking after the kids.  I wondered if the mothers were having their hair down, or at the spa or just hooking up with a random bloke from Tinder. Any way, there was one particular quote I saw today that I really liked: 'In London you live; in the country you breathe' Eliza Lynn Writer 1893. Yep, I agree with that all these years later.

By now the headache was getting worse.   So I decided to leave the museum.  I did have to smile as no one searched my bag on the way in but on the way out the queue for bag searching was horrendous, which in turn, was making the children more boisterous.  I called in Pret a Manger to get a green tea and two paracetamol then caught a bus to Tottenham Court Road.  I have been in my own little world today and a woman got on the bus and asked if the rucksack on the bus was any ones?  A few of us answered so she went to the driver who basically said well what do you want me to do about it.  I went upstairs and ask people up there if it belonged to any of them. No response. By the driver there was a poster that said if you see any thing suspicious tell the driver.  So I did. He said well what do you want me to do about it it.  I said, as I picked it up that I wanted to throw it off the bus.  He said I could not do that. I said what if it was a bomb! He said there was nothing he could do. By now, the whole bus were chipping in. I just throw the 'bomb' back on the luggage rack and told him I will get off at the next stop thanks.  After taking details of who to complain to and the registration of the bus.  It is absolutely pathetic.  London is on high alert. There are armed police officers on the streets, police everywhere you look and the driver was so complacent and that is being polite.

Walked to the Odeon at Shaftesbury Avenue and saw the film Spotlight.  It is about the outing of catholic priests in Boston.  It was really good and my kind of film.  I guess it was a documentary film but it had Michael Keaton in it who for me will always be Beatlejuice, so that was kind of weird.  But a good film and I would recommend it. Called in Wasabi and got myself some Japanese food for dinner and on the bus and back home, just as it started to rain.  I decided to go straight to my room.  Andy is out on his third date, I swear I will have to buy a hat soon, so I wanted to get comfortable.  It is funny how I still gravitate to my little room.

I decided to watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. The lovely Emma and Hannah from my Sunday group have lent me a box set of Audrey Hepburn films. Thank you girls. Oh I love this film.  Moon River makes me cry and tonight was no exception. I just love that song and the words.  A true classic. I guess this quote sums me up at the moment. I always know when I am stressed because I make hot water tea.  Basically, this is tea without the tea bag in it because I forget to put it in! Well here is the quote:

“You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.” 
― Truman Capote, Breakfast at Tiffany's

 I then decided to ring TFL (Transport for London) and had to wait absolutely ages for someone to answer the bloody phone!  When they did it was a joke.  Even the guy on the end of the phone agreed with me.  Apparently, if you find an unattended bag on a tube or train.  You leave it there.  On a bus you tell the driver and at the end, yes the end of the route he will remove it! On a tube, you either pick it up and take it to member of the platform staff or you leave it there for the cleaner to find at the end of the route! Can you believe this.  London is on high alert and you just leave an unattended package.  It is unbelievable isn't it.  I can contact and organisation called travel watch but really!

Sunday:  When you wake up with the same headache you went to bed with you just know that is not a good sign!  A beautiful morning in London, but cold. On my little bus up to Hoxton and a brisk walk through Shoreditch Park.  I was early so did a short detour to walk along the Regent's Canal then up to the Trew Era Cafe for a warm welcome from Rose who was all ready and eager with my pot of tea.  I so love this group. After meditation, Hannah, Emma, Paul, Andre and a new guy, Daniel sat and had a good chat.  I was entertaining them, as I do, with tales from a Berlin Sauna ...... that could be a great name for a play.  I feel so relaxed and loved by this little group. It made me realise, there and then, how crap my working environment is, I just cannot be me there.  Whereas on a Sunday, being me is just fine.  

Duly fed and watered, thank you guys, I left to get the bus back home. I really did not want to be heading home as it was still a beautiful day, but I had necessary paperwork (again) to complete.  However, I did a slight detour as today, at our local Mosque it was an open day.  I was greeted by a lovely guy who welcomed me into the Mosque and politely asked me to remove my shoes.  I asked him if I need to put my headscarf on and he said no it was fine. I went up the stairs and there was a lovely display about Islam.  I was greeted again, but this time by three women who offered me a hot drink and really wanted to feed me the most delicious looking cup cakes.  I joked with them about how I had put on 2lbs just looking at them.  I walked around, drinking tea, looking at the display, in my socks.  It really was quite peaceful.  I was then asked if I would like to see the men at prayer. So I went downstairs and put my headscarf on.  I want to say that I just looked like Audrey Hepburn in yesterday's film; I didn't. I was more like Hilda Ogden from Corrie.

I sat there watching the men pray thinking ................. where are the women. So I asked and then was asked would I like to go and see the women at prayer.  So it was shoes back on as I was lead outside of the Mosque to the back, down some stairs to the women.  It was really strange as the guy who had taken me there, would not come in their part of the Mosque.  In I went and there were about twenty women in there.  The prayers were over and the women were reading the Qur'an. I sat chatting to a couple of them, asking questions and then was offered a date. Not the male type but the fruit. I then walked over to sit with some other women and we were chatting away.  I was asking questions and they, in return were asking me questions. There was a women nearby who they said was the Teacher and she was listening to the girls recite the Qur'an and correcting them when necessary and giving them lessons to complete at home.  Then it happened.  The story of my life. The Teacher said to the woman I was talking to something in Arabic.  The room went quiet and the poor woman I had been chatting to did not know what to do. It was so obvious to me.  I just said: 'She wants me to go doesn't she as we are making too much noise?' I do not know who was more amazed that I had understood, the woman I had been talking to or the Teacher.  I thanked them for their time and went to leave.  As I was walking out of the door I said to the first woman I had spoken to that nothing had changed, as I had always got told off for talking to much in class, even as a child.

I really enjoyed the whole experience.  My hosts were very hospitable. When I had asked the guy should I put my headscarf on he said if I wanted to but I did not have to. I asked him (even though I knew the answer) if the other women wore a headscarf and he said yes, so I explained to him that I wanted to be respectful and be no different to the other women.  However, I was the only guest in the Mosque doing so.  It was a great experience to learn about others and their beliefs and to be welcomed and accepted. If you ever get the opportunity to go and have a look, I would really recommend it.

Back to the flat and what do I find outside but a TV, as you do.  This happens a lot in London. People will leave things out for others to have.  I did have to giggle to myself as it was a Bang and Olufsen TV.  Now I do not know a great deal about televisions, but I know that Bang and Olufsen are a very expensive make.  I liked the idea that we had had this dumped outside of our flat, rather than just a model by Sony or Beko.  It is funny how that middle class streak in me, a times, raises it's head.  I have just shown a picture to Andy of a Bang and Olufsen TV priced at £6500 and he is freaking out now saying I should have dragged up the stairs and we could have sold it, working or not, on eBay. So funny. So rather than do the dreaded paperwork, I made some spicy parsnip soup for our lunches next week and then I had to do the paperwork. That done, it was soon time for dinner and kick back time.

So not a bad weekend.  OK it didn't pan out as I thought it would, but it has been good nonetheless.  So tomorrow is Monday (again) sigh ............ I will worry about that tomorrow.

As always, with my love x