The lights go out and I can't be saved. Tides that I tried to swim against have brought me down upon my knees. Oh I beg, I beg and plead, singing (Clocks - Coldplay)

Well this will be the final song by Coldplay. Once again, there were so many tracks to chose from and I know when I look back I shall ask myself why did I not use this one or that one. I like the piano on the start of this one and this track has been used so many times on the BBC over events and filming.  So as always enjoy. 

Saturday:  So I wanted to wake up this morning 5 stone lighter.  Guess what? It never happened.  But 5lbs lighter so pleased with that and a few more weeks until I need that dress.  Not sure if tonight is happening. Suppose to be but no definite rendezvous at this stage. But I am used to that now so just getting on with my day. Flat cleaned, washing done, room tidied. 

I love summer and whilst summer in London is wonderful, the dust and pollution is not. I could be dusting morning, noon and night. I don't. Those of you who know me from a previous life know how much I like cleaning. But now I get over it, I have to, or I would be dusting every day.  It is warm today as well. Overcast, but warm.  I will stay in today pottering around and just be kind to me.


So where shall I start? I received a text to say my date was on and where we were going to meet.  Major meltdown. I kept repeating my mantra: Leicester, Leicester, Leicester in my head.  Left the flat in plenty of time, only to get to the bus stop to realise that when my handbag had dropped on the floor, my lipstick had rolled out. Grrrr. I had to walk back home then spent five minutes trying to find where I had left my lipstick. By then I was in a right tizz.  Back to the bus stop and just missed a bus and then received a text from my date to say he had go the times muddled and would meet me at a pub instead of our previously arranged meeting point. Now, many of you will know that I cannot walk and text at the same time as I need my glasses.  

Get to Shoreditch and put glasses on and I had a rough idea where I was going. By now I was stressing out about being stressed out and not so much about my date.  I rock up at the bar and he was there waiting for me with a large gin and tonic .......... my kind of guy.  We hit it off straight away and we spent the whole time in the pub chatting and laughing.  I told him that I blogged and asked him what he wanted his name to be as you know I like to give people a pseudonym to protect them. I was going to call him Saatchi but he preferred Hirst.  We settled on Grayson which got changed to Jason after a few drinks and plenty of laughs when instead of saying Grayson Perry he said Jason Perry.  My date manages a gallery in East London and works in the Arts; hence me thinking I was punching above my weight.

Grayson and I had a great time in the Barley Mow in Shoreditch.  The pub was closing up and I went to the toilet only to come out to find the whole pub empty. That is the first time I have cleared out a pub.  We stood outside still talking and laughing.  He has such an interesting job and was absolutely fascinating. Likewise, I was full of my stories of my careers and funny stories and I was being my usual chaotic self.  We decided the night was young and he thinks he is still 35 and as you know folks I am only 29, so we went to a club.

We get to the club and there was a big doorman who said we had to join the queue - there was no queue just us two.  The doorman then asked for some ID.  I said really, obviously I did not look old enough to get into a club in Shoreditch.  Jason, had no ID but the guy let us in.  The first thing we both wanted was the toilet.  A sign of our ages (oh forgot to say Jason is a year younger than me).  I got the drinks in and by now Jason had come over to the dark side and was on the gin. We found a table by the door that had reserved for Sophie on it, but was totally empty.  We sat there talking and laughing and then Jason said shall we have some of the Prosecco that was in the bucket on Sophie's table. Me being Miss Goodie Two Shoes said no as he poured two glasses.  It was vile and this is very much how the evening continued. It was a magnum of Prosecco! So the evening continued with Jason drinking the Prosecco telling me to drink it up and me saying 'I don't like it'.  I have told him since that next time I will not be so bloody polite but it was because I had Leicester, Leicester, Leicester in my head!

Then a strange thing started to happen. People who were going outside kept coming up to us two asking us to look after their drinks so they did not get spiked, because we both looked honest.  It was hysterical. We were drinking good old Sophie's Prosecco whilst others were saying we looked honest.  We said that they probably thought we were Sophie's Mum and Dad at her Hen Party.  It was so funny. Then the doormen were removing someone from the club right in front of us and the Police were called and we decided that it was Sophie's husband-to-be who had found her with the best man in the toilets. We both decided that we needed to speak with Sophie and tell her don't get married especially if all he could provide was a huge bottle of vile , cheap, Prosecco that I really did not like!  The girl could do a lot better.  Time to go so we had a bit of a dance and went to find a bus.  It was snowing in Shoreditch. Yes, I know I had a lot to drink by now but there was a snow machine in Shoreditch in May ........ as you do. 

Poor old Jason was slightly more pickled than me by now and thought that it was only 12.00 it was 2.30am. Got on a bus and we were off.  It was so funny as I got off the bus I saw a signpost that said Tottenham which I said to Jason Oh OK Tottenham.  He supports Arsenal and said NOOOOO I cannot say Tottenham.  I said to him that by now I thought I was guesting on an episode of Match of the Day: Arsenal, Tottenham and bloody Leicester.  I have never laughed so much on a date.  The next day my ribs ached where we had laughed so much. I had such a great time.  Jason was telling me about the work he exhibits and the artists he meets and the wonderful people he has worked with for so many years who are like family to him.  Such an interesting person and this would never, ever, ever, ever have happened in Stoke.  We were making up stories about Sophie and her hen night and had decided that Jason could get some Channel 4 money for us to make a new programme called Sophie's Choice where people on a first date have to compete in certain tasks such as how much gin can you drink, pinch the alcohol and find a bus home rounds.  I think it is winner myself and we both thought it could be our pension plan.

I cannot tell you how much I laughed. I think the last time I laughed like this was when Andy and I went to Amsterdam.  My ribs ached and still do.  Jason's plans had changed and he asked me if I wanted to go and grab some food at the local pub so off we trotted.  Some of you will like this next bit, doors were opened for me and he insisted on paying.  Now you know me, I did argue and it was agreed that he would come over to mine at some point and I will repay him with Sunday Lunch at my local. 
Little Miss Independent.  It was time to go our separate ways.  Jason was going to meet a friend off a flight at Heathrow; I was going home.  We said our goodbyes on the train at Bank and I made my way home.  I had just had a 24 hour date.  Andy said in gay world that would have been a marriage and divorce by now! He had assumed that I was have fun if not he said he really did need to give me some coaching on escape tips!

Back home and a catch up with Andy and bed for me.  This is why I just love London.  I get to meet some amazing, interesting people who enrich my life with their stories and experiences. I am just living in and enjoying the moment and I really did enjoy the time Jason and I spent together. We did talk about what we were looking for in a relationship earlier on in the evening, whilst we were sober.  I explained my side of things and told him a bit of what had happened to me. Unfortunately, he too has had a difficult past but I guess people of our age do not get to that age without some baggage and sadness. It looks as if we both are looking for the same thing.  Separate lives where we do our own thing and do not lose our independence and have our own interests and career but also someone to walk part of the journey with; to enjoy the moment. I think we will see each other again.  I hope we do, I really do. I do not think he is the kind of guy that will just disappear. But for now, he will return to his life and I shall return to mine. All is well.

Monday:  So I finally check the 62 emails I have received during my 24 hours off radar and straight away I am reminded of a line from Bridget Jones as follows:



One of the emails was from Legs! Do you remember Legs? The guy who lives in Zurich ...... is it all coming back to you now, I can see.  Legs was inviting me to spend a few days with him next week in Amsterdam.  Yes, really.  That would never have happened in Stoke either.  I cannot get a few hours off for me to attend a meeting let alone to fly off to Amsterdam.  Also, I have not heard from him in over 9 months and then get this email.  Which is, well it is what it is.  I have replied to say thank you so much for thinking of me but I cannot reschedule at such short notice.  I received a reply back and like he says, I am sure that our paths will cross again one day. Random, totally random.

So a quiet day today.  It is grey in London and whilst I could drag myself off to an photographic exhibition I want to see at the Barbican, I am, instead, going to spend the day chilling and catching up on 'stuff', like writing up my blog. Plenty of boring, yet necessary, paperwork completed so I guess that is a plus.

Andy has 7 of his mates coming over.  I love his friends. They are such a great bunch of guys and they all like me.  He is playing a board game with them all day (yawn) so I am on door duty, letting them in as they buzz.  So the boys are in the lounge and I am in my room, but they all pop in to say hello, love them.  My life is very blessed.  

So all and all, it has been a brilliant weekend.  I have met another person who is so interesting and amusing and have laughed so much my ribs still ache. I have also proven to myself that anything is possible and the only person who has an issue about my insecurities, is me! I have also reminded myself that when I sparkle, I truly sparkle and being 29 and living in London is fantastic.

As always, with my love x

And the tears come streaming down your face. When you lose something you can't replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse? (Fix You - Coldplay)

I have actually blogged this song before.  However, I like it and the words sum my life up.  I just need to find that person who can fix it ...... well at least try to.  As always, enjoy.

Monday:  The Mondays are coming around so quickly.  Back home and tea done it was time to kick back.  I do like lazy Monday evenings. It just eases me into the week. So I had a lovely chat with my friend Jackie in Stoke. I do miss her. We used to have such a laugh, well a great deal of laughter actually. Felt a bit flat after I had chatted with her but Andy and I sat and watched Game of Thrones. I cursed it as I said that there was not much blood this week and even some laughter.  Then one of the main characters died.  Very sad. That will teach me.

Tuesday:  Interesting start to the day as I had a meeting with someone in Starbucks.  Now this would never have happened in Stoke. After work Andy and I were having a 'Date Night'.  A couple of months ago I saw an offer in Time Out for a meal at Sea Containers Restaurant which is based on the Southbank near the Oxo Tower.  It was reasonably priced and we had seen this restaurant on last year's MasterChef, so we both thought why not, save cooking.

Well we were not disappointed.  Andy had octopus for starters which he said was absolutely delicious and is still going on about it, chicken then a lovely

chocolate pud. I settled for the haddock and horseradish for starters, the roasted cod which was wonderful, then a lemon meringue tart.  It was absolutely delicious; one of those meals that you really do not want to end. The restaurant itself was beautiful and our table overlooked the river. I still have to pinch myself at times that I am living in Central London and doing all these amazing things. Who would have thought it It really was a lovely evening and even if I say so myself, this was one of my better ideas and I will certainly be eating there again.  We walked home and for me, it was an early night as I was stuffed and contented and just wanted my bed.  


I then received a message that stopped me from thinking about yoga this week and gave me something else to stress over (little did I know by this time that even more stress would be coming my way).  All I will say is I feel as I am batting outside of my league an unlike L'Oreal, I am not worth it :(

Wednesday:  I need to loose 5 stone by Saturday night ........ So two major things to stress over and tonight it was the first one.  I arrived at yoga trying not to be so stressed.  The top and bottom of it was, I could not do the inverted pose. All my childhood insecurities come flooding back as I tried and tried to kick my legs up. I felt like a beached whale. I tried and tried and just could not do it. I wanted to leave; I couldn't. The tutor was really good and tried to get me to do it another way - it didn't work. Then he tried something else and I made do.  I wanted to run. I just wanted to leave that class. No fight, just flight. One woman asked me afterwards how I got on and my body language was screaming 'Fuck off', but no, of course not and she persevered.  I was the first one out of the door.

I listened to my music on the tube home and tried not to cry but ended up crying. Thank you U2 your lyrics kind of summed it all up. The good thing about London is, no one gives a shit that you are crying on the tube anyway and I guess that is it really, no one gives a shit. Then I had some good news, well it was good news then, not so good news now, that some of my paperwork had paid off and someone wanted to see me. Stressful evening. I will go back to yoga next week and will continue to humiliate myself and relive every PE lesson I had at school.  I will try to smile, whilst inwardly I am wanting to break my heart. All the other poses I can do and the teacher is so lovely, but I guess it is that big but, literally a big butt.

Thursday: So I go to work today and ask for two hours off to go to my very excited appointment and was told no. Two other people off already. I am gutted. Totally gutted. I cannot say much here now but what with the potential Saturday event I am so stressed. I just want to fly, pack my bags and run and I know that is not the answer but I am so tired.  I have had five years of rotten luck, things not going my way. Why can't my luck change and the Universe just give me a break? I am so tired of all this. I am trying to figure something out but to be honest, it is not looking good. I am devastated.

I wanted to loose a few pounds to get into a new dress I have bought that I want to wear in a few weeks.  Anyone else as stressed as me would be dropping the pounds; not me. No I get my feet smothered in eczema. So now my horrid looking feet look absolutely delightful as they are covered in stress related eczema. So I have always been big. I eat well. I do not eat meat. I have at least 7 fruit and vegetables a day and try to have soya instead of dairy. I remember my Nan struggling with her weight and look, here I am the same some forty years later. Obesity is the new black and I am so tired of people in the media banging on about fat people should eat less and do more! Don't you think if it was that easy I would have done it by now!  I need to loose five stone by Saturday night lol and that is not going to happen. 

Friday:  Today I never murdered anyone ...... at times I surprise myself! After work I had a GP appointment, a follow up after my horrid virus. All is well, still on some medication but she was pleased with me.  She then took my blood pressure.  Now, remember I am so, so stressed at the moment and guess what!  My blood pressure was normal. Well in fact, it was quite low for me. I tell you, I am definitely wired up wrong.  I also received some good news today as well which counterbalanced the bad news of yesterday .... I hope. But more about that later.

After work drinks this evening with my little Meet Up group which has been running for almost a year now and I went to the first one.  I had a lovely time and we went to a bar not far from my flat so that was handy.  I also found out that one of the guys who goes photographs graffiti and buildings. So we had a good chat.  I do like this group. The people who attend it are so lovely.  I am lucky to be part of it. 

I still have not lost five stone and tomorrow is Saturday and the thought of that terrifies me. However, I will keep repeating in my head, Leicester, Leicester, Leicester.  If the odds for Leicester wining the league were 5000/1 anything is possible and now have to decide if I am going to Shoreditch or Dalston. To give you a bit of a clue, both of these places are Hipster City. Now I am partial to a Hipster, many of you know that. I can do the vegan, beardy, organic, retro thing, but I just wish I were five stone lighter ..... sigh.

It has been a very difficult week and I have some big decisions to make in the next few weeks.  When I decided to come to London I had a three prong

attack: home, friends, work.  One of these are 110%, one is 75% and one is minus 100%; I shall let you guess which is which.  I told myself that my life is far too good to put up with things that make me sad or ill and one of these needs to be addressed, sooner now rather than later.  I did not come to London to just put up with things.  However, let me see if I survive tomorrow night first.

As always, with my love x

I don't care, go on and tear me apart I don't care if you do, 'Cause in a sky, 'cause in a sky full of stars I think I saw you (A Sky Full of Stars - Coldplay)

I look up a great deal. Most people these days have their heads stuck in their phones, missing all that is going on around them. Not me, I look up! I do not understand the stars, but I am fascinated by them, watching of, just there all the time, looking over us.

As many of you know, I lost my heart to the stars of the Southern Hemisphere. I looked up and felt so small.  My friend Jackie bought me a star this year for Christmas. It is the Orion's Belt constellation and she chose this as it is near the red star, which, as I was told recently by Olivier is called Betelgeuse.  This itself is strange as both Meg and I just loved the film Beetlejuice.  Meg and I used to always say  'Love you to the moon and back', that is our thing. Until one day Meg said that she 'loved me to the red star and back' (she has always been a smart person) as that star was further away. So now I have a star named Megan near to Betelguese, the red star, on the shoulder of Orion which I saw upside down, when looking at the stars of the Southern Hemisphere. So When I want to see my Meg I just look up because I know she is up there somewhere shining down on me, even though just as in real life I cannot see her, she is alive and out there somewhere.  It is that simple. 

As always, enjoy. And yes, you did see a skateboard in the first 2 seconds of the video (sigh)!

Saturday:  Today I had an appointment at the Dental Hygienist.  She was lovely but whilst I was lying there being tortured and trying to put myself in a different place I started to think. Who would want to be a Dental Hygienist? I mean, really.  It cannot be the best job in the world can it. She was pulling at my mouth and I thought by the time she had finished I would look like a cross between Wallace and Cherie Blair! Then you have to pay for the pleasure of being drilled and scraped.  However, my teeth did look really lovely afterwards but it really is not an enjoyable experience.  I decided to go straight home.  I was going to grab a coffee but my teeth felt really fresh and clean and probably not thank me for a coffee and also I forgot to put my glasses in my bag so would not be able to sit and read my book.  So home it was. 

My Timehop yesterday sent me a message from my friend Steve who sadly

Dear Steve and my condom size guide!

died last year. It was a bitter sweet message as I remember him sending it like it was yesterday and not two years ago! He had messaged 'Oh not another fu*k£ng drongo gorgeous' and I smiled as I could just hear him say it.  He always called me gorgeous. I smiled and then cried. I miss him.

So tonight I am out with my Meet Up group. I am going through a phase of really having to try to make the effort.  I have to be out there. How am I going to ever meet people if I do not make the effort. But trust me, it does get tiring at times. So tonight I am off to Clapham. Easy for me to get to via the Underground, so I guess I better start to scrub up and make that effort.  I think it will have to be the red lipstick tonight.

Well. I had probably the best night out since I arrived in London (with people I do not know that is). The pubs were very busy at first because of the football. But I got talking to some really interesting new people and we discussed things such as travelling (of course), politics (always a good one),  where they come from which included the States, France, Germany, Canada, Wales, Finland and of course, the UK. I did feel a bit smug as I showed someone (even after quite a bit of larger) how to delete a file off his android phone. I shall call him Pat. Pat said he was not very technology minded and when I told him I blogged he confessed that he still and wrote a diary every day.  How cool is that!

We went to four pubs around the Clapham area and I have to confess, I have not been over to Clapham but it looks like a cool place.  The weather was good and for most of the evening we sat outside, just drinking and chatting away.  I did have to smile as in the last pub we went in there was a random woman dressed as a shark. I have no idea.  Only in London. I ended up getting the tube around midnight and did something I have not done for ages ............. I called in the chip shop next to our flat to get some chips.  When I was younger, you knew it was a good night out if you copped a snog and then had chips on the way home.  OK no snog tonight and that is fine, but because of the alcohol I had drunk it was time for a few chips.

I know the couple who run the chips shop next door to our flat.  The day I moved in I went downstairs to get some tea for Andy and I and me being me, started a conversation. So every time I pass by now they wave and smile at me. So l go into the shop and ask for a few chips and the guy says 'Oh have you been out? Where have you been? Have you been drinking? Did you have a good time?'.  There was nothing sinister about it but I did have to laugh as I thought to myself, here I am aged, well let's just say 29, and it's like trying to sneak home without your Mum and Dad finding out!

So home, make off (of course) and chips in bed watching The In-betweeners. I would say for someone who did not really want to go out, that was a very successful evening.

Sunday:  I had What's App Andy to say there was a good chance I would not make it to Hoxton and I was right.  I crawled out of my pit at 10.30am! Made a cup of tea and crawled back in bed again.  So I think today will be a day of paperwork and chilling.

Productive morning from my bed. Finally crawled out of it and showered and went for Sunday Lunch, with Andy, to our local. The Roebuck is a lovely pub and we are so lucky to have it just a five minute walk away. Obviously, I had to have a gin and tonic with my Sunday lunch.  The food here is wonderful and there is always a vegetarian option for Sunday lunch as well as plenty of choices for me on their main menu.  I had chick pea roast today with all the trimmings and Andy had the pork.  There is something quite English about going for Sunday lunch and it is something I could get really used to and I think going to the Roebuck will be happening more often as it is the kind of pub I would feel happy going to just on my own.

Back home, feet up as felt quite stuffed and we sat and watched Gosford Park. I have not seen that film for ages and it was the ideal film just to Sunday afternoon chill with.  And that is very much what I did all afternoon. Then decided, as I always do, that it was time to fly. I have had itchy feet for some time now and not in a good way. So the fact that I have contained myself to a few days is good as the alternative could have been forever!

The good thing about living in London is there are so many airports to choose from; giving you more choice. I think it was talking to people last night from all around the world that ignited the adventurous spirit in me again. So after looking at Copenhagen, which I must say looked very nice but the accommodation was not really available, I booked a flight to Barcelona.  I have always wanted to visit this city and it was on the bucket list of places to visit. I want to see the Gaudi architecture and artwork. Plus it will (hopefully) be warm and sunny. I have found a good place to stay, well hopefully and if it isn't I will make do as it is only for three nights. Just a single room, but that is all I need.  I do have a little Spanish friend at work who is mad and camp (of course he is that is why he is one of the few people who speak to me) as Butlin's so I will ask him for some advice as he recently went to Barcelona, but it should be a lovely little adventure.  So if any of you have been to Barcelona and can give me some tips or advice (yes I know about the pickpockets and I will be as vigilant there as I am in any City) or know of somewhere I really must see, please drop me a line and let me know.

Rounded off the lovely weekend with an episode of Gimmie, Gimmie, Gimmie and I just laughed and laughed. Followed by a sing-a-long to Big In The 8's Karaoke Hits on Classic MTV.

It has been a great weekend!

As always, with my love X

One minute I held the key next the walls were closed on me. And I discovered that my castles stand upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand (Viva La Vida - Coldplay)

You would all know one line from this song ........ 'I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing' and I bet you, like me, always sing that bit.  As always, enjoy.

Monday: Today I have kept myself in the moment and when I need to, concentrated on my breathing. It helped and Monday has been completed. On my own tonight as Andy is out with friends.  So a quiet night for me, in my room, listening to music and reading. I had a surprise text message from my friend Ian (who I know from Stoke's Meet Up and we often meet up when he is passing through London). I read it at work and it really brightened my day as he is Montreal on holiday.  I told the crazy fool to just forget about me and enjoy Canada!

I have received quite a few messages the past few days from people. Jackie in NZ, dear Margaret in Stoke who sends me the most beautiful photographs of her garden, Cherise, Jenny and Jackie back in Stoke who have messaged me to touch base and dear Fabio in Belgium and PPLP my French friend here in London and Kim who I worked with at Stafford.  I am feeling very loved and feel blessed.  

Tuesday:  I opened my bedroom curtains this morning and was greeted with a plan swooping around The Shard on its approach to Heathrow. I actually said 'Welcome to London'. It amazes me how graceful planes can look as they cut through the skyline.

Tonight Andy and I were out at the BBC (again) for a freebie. We had a lovely meal (our favourite) at Wahaca. I just love the food there and there is always a good selection.  So tonight we were off to see a recording of a BBC Four show called 'It's Not What You Know'. The main reason we were going was to see Joe Lycett who was hosting it.  Joe Lycett first come to my knowledge after watching him on 8 of of 10 Cats - Countdown, when he told such a funny story, the thought of it now just makes me laugh.

The show was not a disappointment.  I guess in Joe's words, it is very much like Mr and Mrs. Three 'celebs' are asked questions and their nominated friend answers them with hopefully the correct answers (the friend's answers are recorded). Tonight's panel were: Mae Martin, Adrian Chiles and Zoe Lyons. Joe weaved his magic and humour and it really was funny.  I have decided that if I need yet another gay friend (I feel like I am Kylie at times ........ and she dates younger guys) Joe would be it. He would be welcome at our flat any evening.

Bus home and we were both so tired but it really was a good evening and I look forward to hearing the show when it is broadcast.  Thank you BBC for a free and really entertaining night out.

Wednesday:  I am so tired this week, I have no idea why but hey I made it to hump day with out committing murder so all is well.  Yoga tonight. I worked really hard and it was all going so well until he said we were going to be upside down and all my insecurities of being the fat kid returned.  My face must have shown it as the tutor looked at me and said it was ok if I did not want to.  So once again, me and another woman watched as the rest of the class were up on their shoulders.  I did feel slightly better when a woman (size 8) could not do it whilst another woman (size 18) had no problem. The size 8 woman eventually managed it with help from the tutor. I think I am scared. So I now have a week not to beat myself up about it but to get the courage to give it a go as inverted yoga poses are a must.  Initially, you learn this pose by using a wall.  Andy, bless him, said we could practice at home but I am scared in case I hurt myself. So positive thoughts this week because I know I will feel so good WHEN I do it.

Needless to say, I felt good after my lesson and even more tired, so actually slept like a baby. I have no idea why we say that as Megan never slept well. She is (was) like her Mum, frightened to miss anything!

Thursday:  Almost there. I had a meeting today and the woman come out to the reception area and said something so lovely.  She said 'I just knew you were Karen, you had such a welcoming and happy face, I could tell by your smile it was you'.  This fills my heart with so much joy that I still have some sparkle, well for the right people.

Home alone tonight, which is good as I have not blogged since Monday. So caught up with that and my washing and cooked a stir fry for dinner. The weeks are passing by so quickly and I thought today that I really should book a few days away somewhere. I know I have had time of ill, but I need a break, especially as I am feeling better.  I have no idea where I would like to go, Italy maybe or Denmark. I will have to think and get something sorted or it will be the school holidays again before we know it.

Friday:  Well done Karen! You survived the week. You did not kill a soul and all is well.  Actually booked five days off work in June.I did toil with the idea of actually going to grab some sunshine somewhere, but I have no idea where I would like to go or if when I get there, I would feel comfortable watching the world going round in couples or families.

Highlight of today was the new tumble dryer.  Which I must say is a great deal quieter than the old one, but a sad reflection on my life!  Andy and I sat and watched Game of Thrones tonight and just chilled as I drawled over John Snow aka Kit Harrington.  I really can't think why I do this.  I mean, he does not tick any of my boxes ............ sigh!  I have more chance of waking up tomorrow finding myself being a size 8 than to meet anyone who looks vaguely like that! Ain't life a bitch!

As always, with my love!

Oh, no, what's this? A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle. So I turned to run, the thought of all the stupid things I've done (Trouble - Coldplay)

Sometimes, well most of the time in my case, you can just find the right song, with the right words to sum out how you feel.  We all do stupid things. Some of us more than others. I guess I feel I am caught in a spider's web at the moment. I'm fighting to get out - but just can't get anywhere quick.  

Saturday:  Lazy start to the day. I was going to see an exhibition at the Natural History Museum (I was going with Olivier but that ain't going to be happening now) but then changed my plans.  I caught the bus and went over to Forest Hill, which is a suburb of South East London.  

Last year, when I was not working. My friend Kim who I worked with in Stafford told me about an artist she knew.  This woman was trying to raise the funds, through Crowdfunding to get to America to show her work. I made a donation, not much due to the fact I was not working, but it felt good to do so.  Since then I have regular emails from Liz telling me about the work she is achieving. So today I went to meet Liz and her partner whose name I cannot remember (I am so, so sorry) who is related to my friend Kim.  Dulwich was having their Arts Festival which happens in May. Events including theatre, film, walks, talks, art, music to name a few.  Liz was based at Havelock Road Studios which was an amazing, vibrant community of like minded souls.  I could live there.

So in Liz's words she is a Visual Artist who teaches visual arts, drama, movement to all ages.  Compulsive Skin Picking has dominated her life for more than 20 but through her art she has managed to confront the disorder to recovery.  How great is that. So she now aims to reduce the stigma around CSP and mental ill health through art and speaking about her story.  What an amazing woman. I was so happy to finally meet her and to see some of her amazing work. So take a look at her page on:

www.lizatkin.com

A lovely women which such talent. I am so pleased I finally got to meet her. I spent time looking at the other artists  and met a really lovely guy who was creating a sculpture. So talented.  I really wish I could be creative.

Walked into Forest Hill and grabbed a coffee and sat and chilled, writing up notes and watching the world go by. I then walked to the Horniman Museum which was just up the road.

The Horniman Museum was opened to the public in 1891 on the site of Fredrick Hormiman's original home which was a Victorian Villa. The museum was extended in 1911 (my favourite time in history) and an extension was designed by Charles Harrison Townsend in the arts and craft style.  A stunning building which really caught my eye.  I had a look around the museum but it was full of children but I managed to find an quiet place showing an exhibition of photographs taken in a Favela in Brazil. Beautiful, vibrant photographs but there had to be a skateboard in a couple of them - of course there did.  I then went out to the gardens and come across the most amazing view of this beautiful city that really has given me a life back.  It is not until you travel out of town a bit do you realise how central and how near I am to everything.  I really am very lucky.

Bus home and I got dinner ready as Andy was out but back in time for the Eurovision. We were doing two score cards one if we liked the act, song and stage and the other if we would well you can guess, or kill them or want to be friends with them. I am off to France!  It was a good evening and we had a good giggle. So all good.

Sunday: Up early this morning as I was working on a plan.  I cycled to meditation. Yes you did read that right.  I got a bike from the hub across the road from the flat and cycled to Finsbury Circus in the City and had a rest for ten minutes; then cycled on to Hoxton.  It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining. I loved it. I did struggle going over the bridge to the City but stuck with it and could have done it just in 30 minutes but was sensible and rested up.  Which was good really as I come across this artwork that I would never have seen on the bus.

I arrived at Trew Era Cafe and the staff were surprised to see me so early - until I explained to them the reason why. I then had a bowl of porridge for my breakfast (I am just a Hipster) and it was time for meditation. A lovely morning. I then cycled home again. In total around 7.2 miles. But me, riding a bike in Central London. I will do it again next week, unless it rains, as I really enjoyed it. Back to the flat and Andy was having friends over this afternoon but that was fine as I had paperwork to do. I resent having to do it, but it is a means to an end. So all done an dusted for a while.

So spent the rest of the afternoon/evening replying to friend's mails and text and catching up on 'stuff' as one does. It has been a good weekend. I am refusing to worry about Monday and Monday is here and focus on being in the moment.

As always, with my love x

Lord I don't know which way I am going, which way the river gonna flow. It's just seems that upstream, I keep rowing. Still got such a long way to go. I'll find somewhere the streets are paved with gold. Bullets fly, split the sky, but that's all right, sometimes, sunlight comes streaming through the holes (U.F.O. - Coldplay)

Lyrics are modern day poetry.  Sometimes you can just find what you want to hear or what you are feeling in a song.  The words, the music can move you. Well it works for me.  A simple, small song but the words of which pack so much emotion and weight for me at the moment.  As always, enjoy.

Monday: Beautiful day from the window; I never went out.  I know this time is coming to an abrupt end on Wednesday and that just adds to the burden at the moment.  The sunshine helps I guess.  Busy day, plenty of things to be actively pursuing, including day two of detox from Facebook.  Non-eventful day to be honest.  Just chores and reflection. This time will pass.

Tuesday: My last day at home.  At least I am feeling so much better. However, I am not relishing the prospect of tomorrow.  But I will remain positive, focussed and hopefully determined.  Spent the morning completing some necessary paperwork.  No sunshine today; just rain, rain and more rain.  It was cloudy all day and I could not see the top of The Shard at all throughout the day; or any planes coming in to land either.

I looked at the new post from my friend Sarah who is currently touring around South America.  This is not part of the world that inspires me.  However, looking at her blog and photos it looks absolutely stunning.  It looks as if she is having a blast and I am so pleased for her.  Take a look at her blog and live her adventures with her.  You will be impressed. The photographs are absolutely stunning.  So many places in the world to visit and at times, it feels like so little time (and money) to do this.

https://themadwomanintheattic.com/

So not a very exciting day. The highlight was ordering a new tumble dryer for the flat.  Oh don't I know how to live!

Wednesday:  Sigh.  So cloudy this morning ........ I could not see any of The Shard.  Ironic really, don't you think?  Why is it that so many people 'love me' yet I feel so alone?  Once again today I had to decide whether to do something on my own, that I really want to do; or not.  This is the woman who can jump on a plane and go on an adventure, whilst other simple things are stressful and cause me so much anxiety.  I ordered the ticket, for one, for October.

The other stressful thing was a haunting from my past.  I was always the fat kid at school.  I cannot remember being bullied, well apart from Jonathan Best who was my nemesis (he was ginger haired and freckled too ...... ) and in all fairness bullied most people.  So as the fat kid I hated PE.  I could never get up the rope.  In all honesty why would I.  But I never achieved that. Never got over the 'horse' and absolutely hated cross country.  Being the fat kid and PE do not mix.  Needless to say I have had a dislike of PE type things ever since oh and maths! 

Many of you may remember how much I loved Yoga.  So now I have been in London a year the things that I once thought were expensive are now 'normally' priced.  So I booked myself on a six week introductory Yoga course. This is the same Yoga practise that I did in Staffordshire.  So here I am, an hour or so before I need to be in North West London wondering why the hell I decided to do it.  See many of you see me as this mad, independent woman who can do just anything. The truth is, many things really do take me out of my comfort zone and rocking up tonight at this prestigious Yoga Institution where everyone, well in my head anyway, are going to look like Gwyneth Paltrow and drop dead thin and gorgeous; coupled with me feeling like crap at the moment is not painting a picture that anyone would want to hang on their wall.

Being single is a blessing and a curse.  There are just times when I want someone to do things with. OK not Yoga but just to order two tickets for a concert; a walk round a gallery with someone to bounce off our thoughts; a hug.  Oh how I miss a hug.  I am such a tactile person, I adore hugs both giving them and receiving them.  I rarely get a hug these days. Sad but true. So whilst London gives me the opportunity to do things, I am still doing them on my own. Nothing there has changed.  Just someone to meet up with for coffee now and then and to chat about the usual stuff would be great.  I knew that I would not see people from Staffordshire when I moved as when I moved from Kent to Staffordshire I did not see people.  So whilst I feel I have 'friends' I guess the truth is I do not 'real' friends (well apart from dear sweet Andy who really does not count for all the right reasons). I have me, myself and I and I just have to be the one to get on with it. But at times it all gets so exhausting.  I guess I better get ready for the Yoga walk of shame.

So I survived.  There were about 20 of us in the class and I was the only one who had done Iyengar Yoga before ....... how good did I feel!  The instructor was brilliant, I really liked him.  He said next week he would have us all upside down. I said to him 'do I look like a women who can get upside easily?' He smiled and looked at me and said very slowly 'I will bend you with ease and you will be upside down'.  I said I was terrified, but we laughed.  The girl did good.  Even though I have always been 'fat' or the new word 'obese' to give it it's new funky label, I have always been flexible and that is what I have always liked about Yoga.  Some of the younger, thinner people in the class were struggling as people do not realise how intense Yoga can be.  People think it is easy.  I have always said come join me for an hour of Yoga and then let me know what you think.

So there was me on the tube looking like ........ well not Gwyneth that is for sure and back home for 22:00. Quick catch up with Andy then more disappointment as it looks as if I have lost my new necklace I purchased at Greenwich Market on Saturday.  I think it has probably fallen out of my bag when I got my phone. I will send the Institution an email to see if anyone has found it, but I am not holding my breath to be honest.  If I have lost it then I guess I was just not meant to have it.

Thursday:  I cannot tell you how much it means to me for someone (Andy) to ask me if I slept OK.  Simple, little things.  When I lived on my own, in my little cottage, I could have been dead at the bottom of the stairs for weeks, probably eaten by Hetty, if it wasn't for Andy.  He used to text me every day, for nothing in particular, but just to touch base.  Never take what you all have for granted.  The simple things. Someone acknowledging your presence, because trust me, it is the simple things that you miss the much when they are no longer there.

I had a thought at 3:00am but as it was raining so hard, did nothing about it. However, Andy was first outside of the flat this morning and look what he found! I guess I was meant to keep the necklace after all.  Back to 9.00-5.00 and so returned the twitch in my eye and a headache.  Went to the library after work to collect a couple of books I ordered and then went for a coffee at the little pop up bar (amongst over things) that has opened up in our neighbourhood.  It really was quite nice.  I just sat there, reading my book and watching the world go by whilst collecting my thoughts.  I am really making the effort to make the most of every opportunity even though it is rather exhausting. 

Back to the flat, dinner cooked, washing done, paperwork done and the Tesco order delivered.  At least tomorrow is Friday!

Friday:  Thank goodness ..... even though it is Friday 13th and I have only been back to work two days! I congratulated myself today; I walked away, breathed and managed to go back ........ for now. 

Tonight I went on my little Meet Up group for a drink.  I joined this group when it started back in the summer.  Most of the guys drink real ale; I drink gin. Tonight we met at one of the oldest pubs in London - Ye Old Cheshire Cheese in Fleet Street in London. I have not been to this pub since I worked just up the road in the 80's (how old do I feel now). It was busy and understaffed so we just had one. Gareth, one of the guys who always goes got me a pint of lager.  I couldn't drink it all, I am such a cheap date. So gave the last bit back to Gareth.  We went to the next pub just round the corner and I returned the pint back to Gareth and I had my favourite tipple - Bathtub Gin.  Oh this gin is so, so nice and I really must get a bottle (or four) of it.  So two doubles later my Friday had got a lot better.  Bus home, quick bite to eat.  It is amazing how alcohol just dulls the senses and takes all the pain out of the 9.00-5.00.  

These days 'even smiling makes my face ache'

As always, with my love x

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me oh and I rush to the start. Running in circles, chasing our tails, coming back as we are (The Scientist - Coldplay)

There is something about this song that haunts me.  I am sure there is some technical, musical explanation for it.  The way it flows and to me, feels like it goes round in circles.  I guess it is a bit like my life. Constantly going round in circles. Repeating patterns, chasing tails and then just reverting back to type. Anyway, as always, enjoy.

Saturday: You know it is going to be one of those days when you wake up with the same stinking headache you went to bed with.  I guess that should have been the omen, the clues that I needed that today was going to be ......... challenging.  But you know me, the ever optimist which normally results in disappointment.  Just like the lyrics of this song ....... 'Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard!' 

I have never had the desire or interest to write a book but feel now may be the right time to do so.  Some of you may recall that well known piece of literature 'Man are from Mars. Women are from Venus'. Those of you who also know me will know my love for the moon, stars and all things going on up there in the sky that I really do not understand but love the same.  So the title of my book will be ..... 'Women are from reality and Men are from a completely different galaxy!'  I shall write no more as words fail me. Yes, make a note: I am speechless.  It rarely happens but I have been rendered totally without words and emotional energy.

I decided to have my 'meltdown' in Greenwich.  I spent the afternoon, in the park surrounded by couples hugging and kissing, children screaming, groups of friends drinking and laughing and skateboards.  The world at times can seem a very lonely place when all you have is you.  I guess I am just now fed up being just me, myself and I. So out comes the bricks and mortar and once again, up goes the a wall that even Donald Trump would be proud of. 

Ventured home with plans hatched in my head (as I do) and told Andy that he should take my passport off me but he said he wouldn't and if I needed to fly then I should fly.  I swear he is the only man who gets me!  I just hate the feeling of fight, of which I am so, so tired of; or flight. To to run away, leave it all behind.  Just go. We went out for dinner to a pub that I had been before but tonight we went there to eat. Considering the amount of steroids I have floating around, coupled with the six paracetamol I had taken throughout the day, having beer was not a good idea but look what happens when I do have good ideas.  We ate, drunk and talked. On the way home, and I know it was because he wanted me to laugh and to take my mind off things, Andy suggested we should try the Boris Bikes.  This is something I have wanted to do since I arrived in London.  For those of you who do not know what I am on about, take a look at this link which explains it. 

http://www.visitlondon.com/traveller-information/getting-around-london/london-cycle-hire-scheme#1bmj8FQ37cFEh037.97 

So there we were, me full of drugs and alcohol, coupled with not being able to breathe up until a few days ago (ok tad dramatic but you get my meaning) and not been on a bike for goodness knows how long, figuring out what we needed to do.  I think by then I had just got to the point of what the  ................. Andy was so good, but then he always is.  Even with the seat as low as it could go, my stumpy little legs had trouble reaching the ground, but being the fearless creature that I am; or complete idiot, you decide - I was off.  We went along the side roads where it was very quiet and I loved it.  I really loved it.  You know me, found someone to talk to. Well she was about to step out in front of me and thankfully thought different.  She was a woman of my age and a child. She thought I was so brave and she could not face riding a bike in London.   asked her to come and visit me in Guy's.  We laughed and said our goodbyes. We cycled around our beautiful neighbourhood for 25 minutes then docked the bikes right by our flat.  Like everything else; I had figured it out with some help from my friend.

Sunday:  Bad nights sleep ..... again.  This time the 3:33 was taken over by 4:44.  Needless to say, never woke in time for meditation.  However, my new outlook on things was still in my mind and I looked on the Meet Up website to see what was going on.  There was something that took my fancy but was full up, so I put my name on the waiting list.  Twenty minutes later I was going as a place had become available. We were meeting at Borough Market, so I decided to cycle there!  Yes you did read that right.  Even Andy looked at this point with utter amazement.

Went across the road to our nearest docking station, put my bag and Beatrice in the basket and I was off.  However, riding a bike in Central London and walking there are two completely different things and I found this out at once. Roads that I could walk up I was not able to cycle up because they are one way streets.  I ended up on Borough High Street, which was busy and then on to London Bridge Station roadway.  Only me.  But I figured it out.  Up and down Tooley Street later I found the docking station to park up my bike.  Me on a bike #nevertooold.

So today's Meet Up group was walking from London Bridge to Rotherhithe taking photos.  I had such a great time.  The sun was shining, it was a great

group of people and I was taking photos.  I saw parts of this amazing City that I have not been to in years and today, once again, I was feeling the love.   It is strange how a complete out of the blue decision can work out well.  I took some great photos and really will engage with this group again. We ended up in the Mayflower pub in Rotherhithe, sitting outside chatting away.  However, we did have to come in as the tide was coming in and the decking outside floods.  It really was quite strange.

Said my goodbyes and walked to catch the bus to Surrey Quay and I purchased a cycling helmet. Yes you did read that right and a new t shirt for later on in the week (more about that later). Quick scoot around Tesco for something for tea and back home.  Andy was going to the BAFTAs tonight but his plans got changed so we just sat and chilled and watched them on the TV instead. Oh how I need a Lenny Henry in my life. Such a good bloke and let's face it, he is partial to a full blooded bird!

So a weekend of downs, decisions, dilemmas, Mercury and communication in retrograde, sunshine and new experiences.  I will figure it out.  I mean, I have to don't I?

As always, with my love x