Lord I don't know which way I am going, which way the river gonna flow. It's just seems that upstream, I keep rowing. Still got such a long way to go. I'll find somewhere the streets are paved with gold. Bullets fly, split the sky, but that's all right, sometimes, sunlight comes streaming through the holes (U.F.O. - Coldplay)

Lyrics are modern day poetry.  Sometimes you can just find what you want to hear or what you are feeling in a song.  The words, the music can move you. Well it works for me.  A simple, small song but the words of which pack so much emotion and weight for me at the moment.  As always, enjoy.

Monday: Beautiful day from the window; I never went out.  I know this time is coming to an abrupt end on Wednesday and that just adds to the burden at the moment.  The sunshine helps I guess.  Busy day, plenty of things to be actively pursuing, including day two of detox from Facebook.  Non-eventful day to be honest.  Just chores and reflection. This time will pass.

Tuesday: My last day at home.  At least I am feeling so much better. However, I am not relishing the prospect of tomorrow.  But I will remain positive, focussed and hopefully determined.  Spent the morning completing some necessary paperwork.  No sunshine today; just rain, rain and more rain.  It was cloudy all day and I could not see the top of The Shard at all throughout the day; or any planes coming in to land either.

I looked at the new post from my friend Sarah who is currently touring around South America.  This is not part of the world that inspires me.  However, looking at her blog and photos it looks absolutely stunning.  It looks as if she is having a blast and I am so pleased for her.  Take a look at her blog and live her adventures with her.  You will be impressed. The photographs are absolutely stunning.  So many places in the world to visit and at times, it feels like so little time (and money) to do this.

https://themadwomanintheattic.com/

So not a very exciting day. The highlight was ordering a new tumble dryer for the flat.  Oh don't I know how to live!

Wednesday:  Sigh.  So cloudy this morning ........ I could not see any of The Shard.  Ironic really, don't you think?  Why is it that so many people 'love me' yet I feel so alone?  Once again today I had to decide whether to do something on my own, that I really want to do; or not.  This is the woman who can jump on a plane and go on an adventure, whilst other simple things are stressful and cause me so much anxiety.  I ordered the ticket, for one, for October.

The other stressful thing was a haunting from my past.  I was always the fat kid at school.  I cannot remember being bullied, well apart from Jonathan Best who was my nemesis (he was ginger haired and freckled too ...... ) and in all fairness bullied most people.  So as the fat kid I hated PE.  I could never get up the rope.  In all honesty why would I.  But I never achieved that. Never got over the 'horse' and absolutely hated cross country.  Being the fat kid and PE do not mix.  Needless to say I have had a dislike of PE type things ever since oh and maths! 

Many of you may remember how much I loved Yoga.  So now I have been in London a year the things that I once thought were expensive are now 'normally' priced.  So I booked myself on a six week introductory Yoga course. This is the same Yoga practise that I did in Staffordshire.  So here I am, an hour or so before I need to be in North West London wondering why the hell I decided to do it.  See many of you see me as this mad, independent woman who can do just anything. The truth is, many things really do take me out of my comfort zone and rocking up tonight at this prestigious Yoga Institution where everyone, well in my head anyway, are going to look like Gwyneth Paltrow and drop dead thin and gorgeous; coupled with me feeling like crap at the moment is not painting a picture that anyone would want to hang on their wall.

Being single is a blessing and a curse.  There are just times when I want someone to do things with. OK not Yoga but just to order two tickets for a concert; a walk round a gallery with someone to bounce off our thoughts; a hug.  Oh how I miss a hug.  I am such a tactile person, I adore hugs both giving them and receiving them.  I rarely get a hug these days. Sad but true. So whilst London gives me the opportunity to do things, I am still doing them on my own. Nothing there has changed.  Just someone to meet up with for coffee now and then and to chat about the usual stuff would be great.  I knew that I would not see people from Staffordshire when I moved as when I moved from Kent to Staffordshire I did not see people.  So whilst I feel I have 'friends' I guess the truth is I do not 'real' friends (well apart from dear sweet Andy who really does not count for all the right reasons). I have me, myself and I and I just have to be the one to get on with it. But at times it all gets so exhausting.  I guess I better get ready for the Yoga walk of shame.

So I survived.  There were about 20 of us in the class and I was the only one who had done Iyengar Yoga before ....... how good did I feel!  The instructor was brilliant, I really liked him.  He said next week he would have us all upside down. I said to him 'do I look like a women who can get upside easily?' He smiled and looked at me and said very slowly 'I will bend you with ease and you will be upside down'.  I said I was terrified, but we laughed.  The girl did good.  Even though I have always been 'fat' or the new word 'obese' to give it it's new funky label, I have always been flexible and that is what I have always liked about Yoga.  Some of the younger, thinner people in the class were struggling as people do not realise how intense Yoga can be.  People think it is easy.  I have always said come join me for an hour of Yoga and then let me know what you think.

So there was me on the tube looking like ........ well not Gwyneth that is for sure and back home for 22:00. Quick catch up with Andy then more disappointment as it looks as if I have lost my new necklace I purchased at Greenwich Market on Saturday.  I think it has probably fallen out of my bag when I got my phone. I will send the Institution an email to see if anyone has found it, but I am not holding my breath to be honest.  If I have lost it then I guess I was just not meant to have it.

Thursday:  I cannot tell you how much it means to me for someone (Andy) to ask me if I slept OK.  Simple, little things.  When I lived on my own, in my little cottage, I could have been dead at the bottom of the stairs for weeks, probably eaten by Hetty, if it wasn't for Andy.  He used to text me every day, for nothing in particular, but just to touch base.  Never take what you all have for granted.  The simple things. Someone acknowledging your presence, because trust me, it is the simple things that you miss the much when they are no longer there.

I had a thought at 3:00am but as it was raining so hard, did nothing about it. However, Andy was first outside of the flat this morning and look what he found! I guess I was meant to keep the necklace after all.  Back to 9.00-5.00 and so returned the twitch in my eye and a headache.  Went to the library after work to collect a couple of books I ordered and then went for a coffee at the little pop up bar (amongst over things) that has opened up in our neighbourhood.  It really was quite nice.  I just sat there, reading my book and watching the world go by whilst collecting my thoughts.  I am really making the effort to make the most of every opportunity even though it is rather exhausting. 

Back to the flat, dinner cooked, washing done, paperwork done and the Tesco order delivered.  At least tomorrow is Friday!

Friday:  Thank goodness ..... even though it is Friday 13th and I have only been back to work two days! I congratulated myself today; I walked away, breathed and managed to go back ........ for now. 

Tonight I went on my little Meet Up group for a drink.  I joined this group when it started back in the summer.  Most of the guys drink real ale; I drink gin. Tonight we met at one of the oldest pubs in London - Ye Old Cheshire Cheese in Fleet Street in London. I have not been to this pub since I worked just up the road in the 80's (how old do I feel now). It was busy and understaffed so we just had one. Gareth, one of the guys who always goes got me a pint of lager.  I couldn't drink it all, I am such a cheap date. So gave the last bit back to Gareth.  We went to the next pub just round the corner and I returned the pint back to Gareth and I had my favourite tipple - Bathtub Gin.  Oh this gin is so, so nice and I really must get a bottle (or four) of it.  So two doubles later my Friday had got a lot better.  Bus home, quick bite to eat.  It is amazing how alcohol just dulls the senses and takes all the pain out of the 9.00-5.00.  

These days 'even smiling makes my face ache'

As always, with my love x