I'd say love was a magical thing I'd say love would keep us from pain Had I been there, had I been there I would promise you all of my life But to lose you would cut like a knife So I don't dare, no I don't dare 'Cause I've never come close in all of these years You are the only one to stop my tears And I'm so scared, I'm so scared Take me back in time maybe I can forget Turn a different corner and we never would have met Would you care (Different Corner - George Michael)

Well as you know I was blogging the Pride soundtrack from Spotify this month. But last night, I heard the devastating news that my lovely, sweet George Michael was dead.  I cannot tell you how upset I am about this. I am totally heartbroken.  This Christmas Day was a good one (you will read about it in a minute), I was happy.  I should have known really shouldn't I that something would come along and take it away from me. George Michael has been on this amazing journey with me.  Wham, all that energy, the lyrics, the songs they are the soundtrack to my twenties; then just George who, like me, in 1987 found himself on his own. Starting over again, alone, confused.  Faith was one of the first CDS I every bought and I played and played it.  Meg was brought up with it! It is the sountrack of her childhood. When she went to Berlin with the school she was in The Hard Rock Cafe and she said that Faith come on and she sang along and just loved the bit where he says 'Baby' (you all know the bit).

Last Christmas always reminds me of my Dad and Brother.   I can see us now at the Bowater's Club on Boxing Day all those years ago thinking that we should get back home to my Mum and then thinking stuff it let's have another drink (gin for me and my Dad) and singing along to this. Priceless.  Even Ian gets a mention.  A Different Corner was our song and I will use this one to front this blog.  The line is .... 'turn a different corner and we never would have met'. That was us, we used to laugh at this line as it summed us up.  In 2006 Ian and I went to see him (well I wanted to go) in Manchester. What a gig.  It was a karaoke evening of George and I sang and danced, hit after hit after hit.  I have never heard a bad word said against him.  Even this year at work we had a quiz and there was a George Michael question and of course I got it right! I told me colleagues that I would never hear a bad word against him.

We all have our demons and George had his but he could laugh about them and embrace them.  I just loved the song Outside where he just takes the piss out of himself for being caught in the toilets with a bloke. Priceless. The Sun hounded him, finding any excuse to make a homophobic comment. But George was George. Even when he went to prison it was said that every night the lads on the wing would play pool with him and ask him to sing!  This makes me smile. George Michael made me smile, he was there with me every step of the way. He 'made the sun shine brighter than Doris Day'. Then the first Christmas I feel happy again, he dies. My first Christmas was his Last Christmas.  Thank you George for the songs, the lyrics, your beautiful voice and amazing smile, for not allowing your music to be sold in South Africa during apartheid, for staying true to your working class roots, for speaking out for freedom of sexuality.  For laughing at himself when inside he was dying, for probably being the first gay man I have fallen in love with (there have been many more since) and for sharing part of my journey with me. Thank you my dear friend,  I shall miss you.

Christmas Eve:  The first time since 2010 I did not wake alone on Christmas Eve.  It has taken me six long, painful years to let someone back into my life. I always told myself that I would build this wall around me that would not allow anyone to harm me again.  But by doing that you stop so much from happening. I never thought, back in May this year, that I would get one date with Grayson, let alone eight.  He thinks it is amusing that I have counted them!  We had a lovely morning/lunchtime but it was soon time for him to go.  He had 'family' commitments and I get that, it is Christmas this is what happens and this is how it is. But he has now left his toothbrush in our bathroom and I think that is kind of cool.  It made me smile. I thanked him for making this Christmas different to all the others.  I feel I have come a long, long way ............ finally.

With Grayson gone, I tidied up and had a shower and then sat back and relaxed. I had quite a nice evening to be honest.  I think have got to the stage now where I know there is nothing I can do to change things, Christmas Day will come and go, but feeling in a really good place and intend staying there, because let's face it, I am sure that no one else is sitting there thinking of me!

It was a good day. I went for my annual walk to Guy's Chapel to spend some time with my Dad then walked along the River.  It was so busy; so many tourists.  I am sure I was the only one there who actually lives here.  Managed to find some coffee and sat on my favourite bench watching the people go by. I started talking to a rough sleeper.  I never caught his name, he was from Spain but normally 'lives' in Ramsgate but wanted to come to London. He was lying by Waterloo Bridge.  I asked him how he was and how was his Christmas Day and he said he was happy, he had this lovely view, a priceless view that would, as we both agreed, would cost millions to live there! He was reading some books and we spent time talking about those. He had plenty of food, I asked him, We just enjoyed our conversation.  He said that the Spanish have a saying that Manana is the busiest day! Ain't that the truth. He had such a lovely chat. We should not judge, but we do.  None of us know, and me in particular, know how our life will pan out, what shocks or surprises are in store for us.  This man brightened my Christmas Day Morning.  The families walked by and some of the children had their new toys and it reminded me of my dear Meg. I still cannot believe I live in London.  This place has given me a life back and for that, I will always be so thankful.

Back home, sushi and gin and Frozen. All rock and roll my friends, all rock and roll. The line in Frozen I laughed at the most was 'Take me up the North Mountain'! I know, childish but so funny.  I had some lovely presents too. I felt so blessed. Andy had put me together a Survival Pack for Christmas.  Gin, chocolate, Bridget Jones' Baby music CD, the complete set of Gimmie, Gimmie, Gimmie and the AbFab movie. What a star he is! Jackie in NZ sent me a beautiful calendar and a plaque about friendship, so lovely. I had chocolates and even some money, hand cream, a beautiful paperweight, a mug, more gin and a colouring book with Peppa Pig crayons.  What more could a girl ask for.

It had been a good day. Then I heard the news about George Michael. I laid awake until 3.33 watching the news, crying and just feeling terribly sad. Tragic news.  Anyone who knows me will know that I will be heartbroken

Boxing Day:  I What's App Andy last night but he was asleep; his message woke me when he read the news.  He could not believe it! I still cannot believe it. I can't stop crying, which I know is sad but true.  They have just had a tribute to him on Radio 2 song, after song, after song! George Michael you have left us with so much to be happy and thankful for.  Then the homophobic comments start to appear on friends of friends FB pages.  I am not having it. I reported them as a Hate Crime.  One of my friends said what is the point, he has challenged FB in the past and they do nothing. Sadly he is right. But as I pointed out to him, I live my life by the following mantra and I just cannot remain silent:

First they come for the socialists and did not speak out because I was not a socialist;
Then they come for the trade unionists and did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they come for Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew;
Then they come for me then there was no one left to speak for me

Powerful words but ones I try to live my life by.

I decided at noon that I should get showered and dressed.  I did, dressed in my PJs. Didn't feel like going out to be honest. I really cannot tell you how upset I am, but it will pass.  So a quiet day watching back to back episodes of Bad Girls (yes I know) and stuffing my face. A long, sad day. I was in bed (alone) for 18:00. But tomorrow is another day and I will be out and about, but will have George on my headphones.

As always, with my love x

I've been in love and lost my senses Spinning through the town Sooner or later, the fever ends And I wind up feeling down I need a man who'll take a chance On a love that burns hot enough to last So when the night falls My lonely heart calls (I Want To Dance With Somebody - Whitney Houston

Oh the gays love a bit of Whitney, well not literally, but you know what you mean. Personally, some of her music I like; others I can leave.  However, this one makes me want to dance.  I have wanted to dance quite a bit lately. So always, enjoy.

Monday:  Personally, I think when it is your birthday you should be able to have the day off work.  This was not the case for Grayson (or me). He had to be the other side of London first thing and I had to be in an all day meeting.  Monday morning and his birthday and arrived with grace.  Meeting done and dusted and I was home.  I had no intention of doing anything this evening.  Grayson texted to say how much he had loved the card and present I got him.  All Arsenal related.  It was amazing how much tat you could buy related to Arsenal, or any football team to be honest.  So he was happy.  So Andy and I had a quiet night. All is well.

Tuesday:  Since moving to London I have not had a car. I sold my car when I left Stoke as because I am living in Central London there really is no point having a car.  However, the one time I do miss it is when I am going grocery shopping and this was apparent this afternoon when I took the bus to go to Aldi. I went to Aldi to buy two bottles of their Bailey's as it is only £3.45 a bottle and I do like a 'Bailey's' and Cointreau.  So whilst I was there I got a few nice bits for Christmas and amazed myself that I had judged it precisely to fit into the two bags I had with me.  The fun and games started as soon as I got on the really crowded bus.  

I managed to get a seat and all was well until the guy sitting next to me wanted to get off which then meant I had to move and then took the seat by the window. My bag toppled over, the bag with the eggs in of course.  Fortunately nothing fell out and no eggs were broken.  Shopping in London really should be an Olympic sport and then throw Christmas in the mix and you, like the turkey, are well and truly stuffed.

So quiet night in chez flat! Bank statement (sigh) checked and chores done and time to sit back.  In other news today, I actually will now be finishing work on Friday for Christmas.  This is the first time since 2010 that I have taken any annual leave over the Christmas period.  I am really feeling that I am reclaiming my Christmases at long last.  All is well.

Wednesday:  I guess it had to happen sooner rather than later; the crash and burn.  Ironically, nothing to with Meg and all those feelings that come back to haunt me even more this time of the year, but with a work related incident. Basically, without too much detail, I set myself up to be disappointed and it happened.  It would be just nice that if just for once, something good come to me easily.  It rarely does  One, slow step forward; six back. I was upset and went to bed (best place for me). I have survived a lot worse, especially at this time of year, so this will not kill me.  I am just annoyed at myself allowing it to happen.

Thursday:  Quiet day today. Working from home so got a lot of rotten office jobs done and dusted.  You know the type of things that never get done but are great when they do.  I was supposed to be going to Hannah and Emma’s tonight, however I had to message them around 11.00am to say that I am not feeling well and will not be able to go. I am fighting off a cold. It is no wonder. Andy has had one for a week which is just going now and Grayson rocked up on Sunday with a cold.  No wonder really as he had spent four hours the previous day lying in his bath, topping up regularly with hot water, whilst he recovered from the hangover from hell.  Men!

So feeling sorry for myself tonight but at least I had Andy for company.  All wanted was noodle soup for dinner; alas I had to make do with pasta.  However, those of you who know me will know that when I have been kicked in the teeth I do not fight, I flight .............. been checking out flights all day.  Exciting stuff.

Friday:  That time of the year again; Andy goes home for Christmas.  We had such a fun afternoon playing on the Playstation, having a drink and a laugh, but then it was time for him to go.  We said our goodbyes.  It was time for him to catch his train.  He has just left when the buzzer to the front door went and I thought, what has he forgotten; but it was Grayson.  He has texted me yesterday to see if I was free.  

I had been down to Borough Market earlier this morning to get some cheese,

bread and other bits and bobs and tonight I had cooked a mushroom risotto for us.  Andy had is earlier.  Grayson and I sat and ate and chatted and laughed so much.  He have me a bottle of Hendrick's (gin) for Christmas! We had such a lovely evening and it was great to be spending more time with him.   All is well my friends, all is well.

As always, with my love x

You were workin' as a waitress in a cocktail bar When I met you I picked you out, I shook you up and turned you around Turned you into someone new Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet Success has been so easy for you But don't forget, it's me who put you where you are now And I can put you back down too (Don't You Want Me Baby - The Human League)

Once again, I wonder how many of you read this and started singing.  There are just some songs that you automatically know; this is another one of them.  A timeless classic. So as always enjoy.

SATURDAY:  This morning, London is bathed in fog. I feel sorry for the tourists as today they will not see a thing!  I could not even see The Shard. She appeared sometime late in the afternoon, but by the evening, she had disappeared again.  Quiet start to the morning then on the bus to Bermondey as I had booked myself in for a pedicure and manicure.  Or as Andy put it, getting my claws looked at.

I have not had this done since I arrived in London as I am rather anxious about my feet but decided to bite the bullet.  The woman who had the awful task of trying to make me look somewhat normal, was from Vietnam.  I am not surprised with this as the majority of the people who work in the nail bars are from there.  This place was in a hairdressers salon and I think they were Polish, so it was like the United Nations.  That aside, she did a brilliant job and my feet look fine and my hand look lovely.

Back home and today we had our Christmas Dinner.  We cooked a meal and sat watching Christmas films.  We watched Nativity and I have never seen it before and thought it was lovely. However, by the early evening we were both feeling stuffed.  Andy is not well either; he has a rotten chesty cough. So I am trying to keep away from him as I do not want this, thank you very much.

Sunday:  So this Sunday was 'Let's depress ourselves and watch Its A Wonderful Life'.  I have seen this film so many times and it had only been on ten minutes and I was crying and eating my Christmas chocolates ..... all good. Today was date day with Grayson.  In typical Grayson tradition I had not heard anything grrrrrr. However, it transpires that he had sent me a message; I had not received it.  I made my way to the Tate Modern and purchased an annual membership for all Tate galleries.  My Christmas treat to me.  Grayson rocked up in his usual laid back way and we walked up to the Southbank (holding hands which I absolutely love). We went to the Winter Wonderland type thing there and had a couple of ciders, whilst sitting out side.  When we were both frozen to the core we decided to go back to mine and grab some food.  

However, much to Grayson's amusement I had a Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction and after a couple adjustments, resulting in absolutely nothing, we decided to go to the toilets at Waterloo and grab some Wasabi.  I have come along way since our first date in May where I was absolutely terrified of meeting him to tonight were my tights, much to his amusement, were falling down. Like I said to him, I am such a classy bird.

Wasabi purchased and on the bus and went home.  We went to my room and when Andy woke up (he has not been well) he come in to meet Grayson and we all had a good chat.  It was like bringing him home to meet the parents. We just chilled in my room watching Breaking Bad (Grayson has not seen it but is off to buy the box set now).  Tomorrow is his 35th birthday and I had got him a card and present (of course I had) as well as a few bits for Christmas. So a lovely evening had by all.

As always, with my love x

Ha ha ha I have just realised I have used this song twice! I am so tired tonight but it goes to show how much I like this song!  Just enjoy it twice x

Greta Garbo, and Monroe Deitrich and DiMaggio Marlon Brando, Jimmy Dean On the cover of a magazine Grace Kelly; Harlow, Jean Picture of a beauty queen Gene Kelly, Fred Astaire Ginger Rodgers, dance on air They had style, they had grace Rita Hayworth gave good face Lauren, Katherine, Lana too Bette Davis, we love you Ladies with an attitude Fellows that were in the mood Don't just stand there, let's get to it Strike a pose, there's nothing to it (Vogue - Madonna)

This song holds fond, fond memories for me.  Firstly, I can remember dancing to it in a night club in Gillingham with the Girlie Glees but more importantly I can see me now singing it to my Meg in our first home. She said 'Mummy, mummy you know all the words!' of course I do; and still do.  Andy and I were singing it this weekend, and striking the pose.  So now it is your turn ...... strike a pose and as always, enjoy!

Monday:  Life is very busy this week and today is Thursday.  But let's go back to Monday.  Busy day.  Tonight I had to work late for a meeting and got home around 9.00pm. So tired but all good.  

Tuesday:  Our team's Christmas lunch today. It was wonderful.  We were in a staff meeting at The Oval cricket ground and it was not much of a meeting more of a reflection on the year and a laugh. We had a quiz and I did so well; people were amazed about how much rubbish I can store in my head.  We had a lovely lunch and some wine then all went to the pub ............ It also transpired that back in the early 80's I lived just up the road from one of my colleagues.  How weird is that? Well not really as many of you know this stuff happens around me all the time. 

So I drunk far to much Malbec and staggered up to Vauxhall station with a colleague, got on the bus and kept giggling. Off the bus into the chip shop downstairs, back to my girlie glee days that is, you have to have your chips. Andy had his team's meal this evening and come home to find all my post just thrown on the floor on the landing, me in bed, door open and tv on. He walked into my room and I instantly woke up so funny.  All in all a really good evening and I feel so lucky to be working with such lovely people.  What a difference a year makes.

Wednesday:  I did not feel the love this morning. I had to be on a bus to Lewisham Hospital for an event at 7.00am! Yes you did read that right. I did not feel well.  Warm bus, stopping and starting, full of smelly people. I so needed carbs.  Managed to grab an egg may sandwich which kind of helped the little battle going on in my stomach.  However, I did struggle with the coffee but by 11.00am I was back to my usual self.  Good day and well worth the effort of going.

Tonight The Shard has provided once again.  This year the lights are amazing. They change from silver to gold and then pulsate and even turn into a glitter ball with beams of light coming out of the top. Amazing! Obviously, this has been arranged just for me again to celebrate the fact that I am in London. Why would I need a Christmas tree when I have this wonderful light show every evening.  I went to bed tonight with my curtains open just looking at The Shard thinking how lucky I am and how resilient I am.

Thursday:  The week is marching on and my liver is trying to keep up.  Meeting in the office this morning so I set off early to clear a 1001 emails. Lunch with a colleague which was really lovely and gave us a good chance to have a lovely chat. Quick trip to Waitrose for a few Christmas treats for me and then bus home.  This afternoon I worked so hard get so much done.  Really rewarding. I really love working for this organisation.  Just love it.

A very much a restful night, thank goodness, it really has been a busy two weeks.

Friday:  Work done and dusted once again this evening I was out.  I walked up to Borough Market and met my friend Ian who lives in Cheshire. Once again, he was in town.  London, this evening, was heaving!  The world and it's wife were out and I do not think I have ever seen the pubs so busy.  We walked along to Bermondsey Street and grabbed a drink and started to catch up with our news. We then went for dinner at The Garrison.  It was, like everywhere else in town, really busy but the food was ok and least we could hear ourselves talk.

We then walked back towards London Bridge and went into the pub to have 'one for the road' or tube in Ian's case.  It was so funny as we got started talking to a bloke called Laurence who kind of made himself known.  He was OK, drunk, but OK. It amused Ian and like I said to him, welcome to my world.  This always happens to be, I always find someone to talk to.  We said our goodbyes and Ian went off on the tube and and I walked home.  It was a lovely evening.

As always, with my love x

Everywhere I go Every smile I see I know you are there Smilin back at me Dancin in moonlight I know you are free Cuz I can see your star Shinin down on me (Together Again - Janet Jackson)

I have always loved this song by Janet Jackson.  Rumour has it that she wrote it about a dear friend she lost to AIDS. I like the line 'I know you are there smiling back at me'.  I have been thinking a lot recently about my dear friend Steve so I guess this song is rather apt.  Steve had, how can I put this, the most colourful language and I was telling Grayson about this and it just makes me smile. So as always, enjoy!

Saturday:  I had some urgent paperwork to do today, which I thought would take me all weekend, it didn't, with Andy's help it took me a couple of hours and it was a great relief when I hit the send button.  We then had a large Bailey's with Cointreau and felt slight ...... drunk.  It was 1.00pm.  I went out, I did not want too but kind of had too.  Up to Soho to get my lovely Paul A Young Chocolates.  It was so busy, then it started to rain so I come home again. The day did not get light at all!

Andy had some of his friends over this afternoon, so I stayed in my room.  I did not have too, but I did not want to play board games.  So I spent the afternoon/evening watching Netflix.  They are lovely people and I did keep popping my head around into the lounge.  We all ordered pizza and by then I was exhausted.

Sunday:  Up and out and off to Trews.  I stayed for the meditation and then left via Hoxton High Street to get a bag for some Christmas presents oh and another bottle of Cointreau.  Back home, and ironing done (well just the bed sheets these days) then we, well me, put the Christmas decorations up.

Andy went out for a few hours and I kicked back and wrapped some presents. So a quiet weekend but it has been a busy week and another busy week to come.  I said that in London you do not have an advent calendar but you have at least one drink a day instead.  Happy days.

As always, with my love x

Now five years later on you've got the world at your feet Success has been so easy for you But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now And I can put you back down too (Don't You Want Me Pay - The Human League)

I was particularly drawn to the above lines in this song.  Oh how I would love to say this to some certain people; but I would not. However, don't you just love this song.  I am sure that everyone knows this song. So as always, enjoy!

Monday:  Another frosty start in London today and a very busy week stretches out in front of me.  Working from home this morning, so actually working in PJs as they are nice and snug. Showered, hair washed and on bus to work at Picturehouse Central at Piccadilly late afternoon. My friend Sheila and her partner Mark, who I used to work with in another life, was in town from Stoke. I met her last year when she was visiting and once again, this year, she has taken time out of her trip to spend some time with me. I feel very blessed.

We met at Piccadilly and went to Picturehouse Central for a drink and a good old catch up.  We moved on to Wahaca in Soho and ate some wonderful Mexican food.  Josh Widdicombe was on the next table.  London life darlings; London life. Into the pub for more wine to round off the evening and it was time for goodbyes. They do not get any easier, but it was so lovely spending time with them both and Sheila and I were reminiscing of our time working together and all the highs, and lows it gave us.  It was a good, good day.

Tuesday: I did not want to get up this morning. I had been awake from 3.33 until at least 5.30.  It is the time of year, coupled with talking about things with Sheila last night were all taking their toil on my over acted mind.  Busy day with the 9-5, but a huge breakthrough. I booked a day off over Christmas.  I have not done this for the past six years. Also, spent most of the day doing some rather special Christmas shopping and birthday shopping. All good fun.  
Phone call with my friend Jackie in Stoke tonight and an early night as believe it or not, I was tired.


Wednesday:  I officially feel like the size of a small European country that is alcohol dependent; it must be December.  Busy day at work but tonight was a treat.  I met my BGFF at Picturehouse Central and we went to dine, yes dine, at Cafe Monico.  What a little gem I have found.  It was funny as Andy asked the waiter what a certain thing was on the menu and I could have sworn he said snake, a thin snake with chips. Andy was nodding his head and I was thinking, he wont eat snakes, he hates snakes. So Andy said yes I will have that and the waiter again said, ok snake and chips. It was steak and that my friend was very much the bench mark for the whole evening. I had an amazing gin based cocktail and mussels for my main! All is well.

We then went to the theatre.  This was Andy's Christmas present from me and we went to see The Book of Mormon.  I had no preconceived ideas, I did not even know what it was about. Now, if you are easily offended I suggest you do not read anymore of Wednesday's entry. The play was amazing. It is one of the most funniest things I have ever seen. It is so politically incorrect; it offends everyone - straights, gays, women, men, black, white, yellow (their words not mine), Jews, Catholics, Christians, HIV, cancer, Bono lol the lot. I laughed so much my jaw ached. There was one point, when I had just taken a swig of my diet Coke when they said something and I tried then not to choke to death. It was hysterical.  I would love to go and see it again. Such a treat.

Thursday:  Three strange things happened this morning, the minute I left my flat.  The Universe was telling me it is listening. Firstly, Wham come on the radio.  Oh how I love that song, I knew that all was well in the world. Secondly, I found a five pound note on the pavement. I subsequently put it in the Alzheimer's collection tub. I told myself the next charity I saw collecting I would restore the balance and donate said five pound. Then thirdly, and this is the most amazing, I was walking to the tube and there walking towards me were ......... two Mormons and one was black! I have never seen a Mormon since I moved to London and there they were, two of them. I just laughed. I could not stop myself. After all the antics of last night's play I thought, once again, that it was hysterical.

On the tube and off to a meeting at Paddington Station which went really well. Then I popped into Sainsbury's. Now I should have had my new Sainsbury's yesterday. Like most things in my life, it did not happen. I now understand that it will not open until January as they are issues around the delivery bay. Someone is going to pay a lot for that mistake. Anyway, Sainsbury's Paddington where I purchased a Christmas Tree. Now don't get excited, it is only a tiny, tiny one about a foot high and I have named him Bruce the Spruce.

Another night, another drink. Tonight I met my friend Christine for a drink.  We met at a pub by the river, near to Blackfriars.  I still have to pinch myself that I am living in London.  We had a lovely evening. Chatting, laughing and just having a good time.  I feel truly blessed.

Friday:  Today something really wonderful happened.  I was working at Guy's Hospital.  How cool is that. The hospital that looked after my dear dad. Ironically, from where I was working I could actually see the place where he was cared for and subsequently died.  The building has been knocked down and rebuilt now, but how proud did I feel and I know he would have been so proud of me too.

Off to Osteopath then and how great is this working out.  I don't really get it to be honest.  No xrays, MRIs all that stuff. Just me in my underwear whilst they look at my back then manipulate me.  Tonight they found the cause of my my problems and it appears this has been happening for many years now. They realigned my back and boom as if by magic, all is well.  Amazing.  Needless to say I will be going back for another session to make sure all is well in a few weeks.  But I really would recommend anyone with back issues just to go along and get assessed.  Wonderful stuff.

Horrendous journey home from Bethnal Green and it took me 90 minutes. I could have flown to Paris in that time.  But all is well.

As always, with my love x

I don't wanna know your name. And I do want your private number, baby. All I know is that to me You look like you're lots of fun Open up your loving arms Hear what's up, what's up (You Spin Me Round (Like a Record)) - Dear or Alive

December.  What happened?  I remember doing the December blog last year and all the Christmas songs. 12 months, just gone.  So I thought this year I would do something different.  I have been listening to Spotify a lot these days and there is a playlist on there called Pride Classics.  I mean, let's face it .... thank God for the gays! If it was not for the gays, goodness knows where I would be now. Actually, there is a line in the Bridget Jones film where she actually says 'thank God for the gays'.  I cannot think where she had that from! Well I guess I am a Honorary Gay Man!  So, as always, kick off your shoes, get your boa and move baby!

Saturday:  Lazy start to the day as I slept so well the previous night.  Emma said that I may after my treatment with the osteopath, and she was not wrong. I have not slept that well for months.  First stop this morning, well almost afternoon, was Waterloo.  I went to St John's Church to look at two panels of the AIDS quilt which was being displayed.  I have to be honest, I did get rather upset looking at it and reading the stories behind the work. Such a waste. I remember this time oh so well. People were being diagnosed and just dying. We have moved on. Diagnosis, especially early diagnosis, does no longer mean death.  People who are HIV+ will, with the right medication, go on to have long and healthy lives. However, there still remains the stigma of actually being HIV+, unfortunately this does not seem to have moved on.  Ironically, in my experience, the ones who have the most to say on it are the ones who do not even know their status.  Do you know, or just assume your status? Please go and get checked and not assume. It is just an easy blood test.

I left the church feeling rather emotional and then caught the bus up to Piccadilly. Oh my. London is full. Full of mainly tourists who have not learnt the 'dance' of city living. I walked through Leicester Square thinking to myself, why the hell was I here. Finally, I entered the Flight Centre to be greeted with peace and quite.  I was served by a lovely guy called Kieran and we had a good chat. I cannot book my flight to NZ yet as it is too soon, but we talked over the options and stopover destinations and he took my email and phone number and will contact me if or when there are some flight sales.  All very exciting.

Next stop as Boots at Piccadilly.  I wanted some treatments for my hair as I am just loving the length and want to help it from stop keep falling out.  I was looking at some products and got talking (as I do) to the guy promoting it. He was lovely and I think his name was Issa. He was lovely.  He gave me some good advice on my hair type and then I sat as he styled my hair. I told him I wanted to take him home with me but he said he has a husband (of course he does) and three cats and two rabbits but I said that would be fine and if he ever needed a wife, here I am. Yes I know, I can do shallow.

So of course I purchased some products so I will give you an update on them when I use them, but I hope they work as they were not cheap. Then off to one of my favourite places: Picturehouse Central at Piccadilly.  My cinema. I went to see Fantastic Beasts and where to find them.  I felt I needed some magic in my life. It is because it is Christmas and this is something Meg and I would have done when she was younger.  It was really good and did find myself clapping my hands with glee at one point. I can be so childlike at times. But I would recommend it. It was a good film.

I left the cinema and had a quick look at the Christmas lights in Regent Street and Haymarket which I must say, are beautiful. They are wired angles and are stunning.  I really like them.  Caught the bus and homeward bound.  It has been another good day.

Sunday:  Another lazy start to the day then office work. I updated my CV (more about that later) and started to make some notes.  Bank accounted updated and I am still (just) solvent. Then I sat and watched The Miracle on 34th Street whilst eating Quorn sausage rolls.  It is really getting to look a lot like Christmas.

So that was very much it for the day to be honest. By 18:00 I wished I had gone out somewhere but it was too late then to make a move. So a quiet night in, which is not a bad thing as the next week or two is totally full on.

As always, with my love x

Pack it up, pack it in, let me begin I came to win, battle me that's a sin I won't ever slack up, punk you better back up Try and play the role and yo the whole crew'll act up Get up, stand up (c'mon!) c'mon throw your hands up If you've got the feeling, jump across the ceiling (Jump Around - House of Pain)

Well I could not feature this soundtrack and not mention this one could I? Some of you may recall that I have used this track before, back last summer when I fell of the bed and probably broke my foot!  Then a few months later, there it is being used in the opening scene of the Bridge Jones film.  Of course it was, why are you even surprised.  I guess it is better than singing All By Myself.  As always, enjoy!

Monday:  It is going to be a strange week this week as I am only working three days! Yay, I think.  Started off working from home this morning then had to go into the office for a meeting.  When I got to the main tube station near the office it was swarming with Police. A police woman stopped me and asked where I was going, was I doing anything good today, where did I work. I stopped her and asked her why all the questions! I felt like I was being interrogated.  My Dad was right, he always said if I had been a boy I would have got my nose broken by the time I was 11.  Anyway, it turns out that the Met were launching a new initiative called 'Together, we've got it covered'. The theory is they flood certain areas with police to deter terrorists.  Me and Mary, we got to first names, had a good old chat about living your life but being vigilant.

Work done, back home and kick back time. Tonight I did some of those chores that never get done.  You know the ones.  Big decision made today too, but cannot mention it now but fingers crossed it could be the start of something exciting ..... you never know.

Tuesday:  Good news today.  Andy got promoted. I am so pleased for him and it is well and truly deserved.  We celebrated by having a large gin and tonic and taking delivery of the Tesco order.  What exciting lives we lead.  But it was a good day and I am so pleased for him.

Wednesday:  Day off today and I was going to ensure that it was going to be a good day and it was.  Grayson come over to my flat at lunchtime and we had lunch of bread, cheeses, olives, tomato and humous all from Borough Market. We sat and talked for hours; just getting to know each other. So date six done and dusted and I had a really lovely day.

Thursday: 1 December - World AIDS Day. I wear my red ribbon all year round. I remember those days in the mid 80s, the awful adverts, the stigma, the damming of a community. I have always been passionate about the HIV/AIDS struggle and will continue to do so.  It is something so very dear to my heart. 

So, Christmas has arrived in London. Christmas trees are springing up all over the place.  Tonight I made my way to the O2 to met my friends Hannah and Emma as well as Craig (my friend from Stoke) and his friend Hazel. We all met up in Wasabi, which is still one of my favourite food places in London and had a good old chat and catch up.  I decided there and then as now I have to 

implement Plan B for Christmas Day, I will have Wasabi for my Christmas dinner. We said our goodbyes to Craig and Hazel and made our way into the stadium. Tonight I was going to see Pete Tong playing the Ibiza Classics.  What can I say. I remember Pete Tong when he did the disco at the pub not far from where I live and also played regularly at the Woodville Halls in Gravesend.  They were the days. He is a good old Kentish bloke. 

Tonight was amazing.  Totally amazing. The orchestra were fantastic and the music, well what can I say.  I was in Ibiza. At certain times they played on screens at the back of the stage images of sunsets from Ibiza and moon and stars as well as picture of the island itself. I was there.  I don't recognise myself these days from the person I was. Sometimes I feel as if I have been released from a cage and can now just be me. OK it is not as great as that sometimes, it can get a bit lonely at times. But, it also gives me the chance to do things like tonight, to dance and smile and just have fun.  So I guess you are never too old to rave and let's face it, my old mate Pete is even two years older than me, so that makes him 31.  Happy, happy days.

Friday:  Day off today, thank goodness. I was so tired.  I think it must be all that dancing last night!  Hairdressers today. She comes to me. So colour done, grey gone and loads cut off and I love it.  I now have shoulder length hair and it looks fab ......... even if I say so myself!

So this afternoon I rocked up to Bethnal Green in the East!  I love it over there. This afternoon I went to see the Osteopath.  Some of you may know I have trouble with my back so I thought I would give this ago. I was recommended this place from my friend Emma as people train there and in their third year run a clinic.  It was amazing. Loads of questions, some a bit painful to answer, but a thorough investigation and then the fun and games started.

My goodness.  I should have known from my Thai massages.  Tiny, little women are the worse.  She had my leg in places it has never been and that is after doing yoga.  She found the problem and worked on the area of my back and then, as if by magic, she yanked my leg and hip and pop! It felt so much better. How clever is that.  I felt as if I had ten rounds with Tyson but wow! Met Emma in a lovely little cafe around the corner for a coffee and then we went off to meditation which was great. Left mediation and walked along Bethnal Green Road to catch the bus and ended up on the wrong bus for Emma as I got the 3s and the 4s muddled up (I am so terrible with numbers) but we got home eventually.  It was a really good day.

As always, with my love x

Do you Do you really enjoy living a life that's so hateful? 'Cause there's a hole where your soul should be You're losing control of it and it's really distasteful (Fuck You - Lily Allen)

This song makes me giggle.  I think it is because it basically says ... Fuck You!  I have said that quite about the past week so this song really had to be used somewhere before the month come to an end.  If you offended, get over it!  As always, enjoy!

Saturday:  When I woke up this morning I was cold.  Winter is here.  Today I was going to visit my one family member who I have any contact with.  My Auntie; my Dad's sister.  Of course there were no trains this weekend due to engineering. Which meant my journey consisted of three buses which took around two hours to get there.  I was so cold when I arrived, but her home was lovely and snug.

It was good to see her and she is so happy when I visit. I will try harder next year to go more often. We had a lovely lunch and a chat and then it was time for me to make tracks home. My Auntie walked me to the bus stop, even though I was insisting that I would find it and we said our goodbyes.  I always get so sad at these occasions. I have no family as such.  A couple of cousins, a brother who is well, who is America and I have not seen for many years and my Aunt. Sometimes it feels that I am so alone in this big wide world and if I were to disappear, who would actually miss me.

Back home, heating on and pizza ordered.  This is not a good time of year for me, for so many reasons.  I love Christmas, the magic of it; yet it brings home to me too many sad memories.  I decided that I would have pizza and Netflix and be dammed.  And dammed I was; I fell asleep and woke myself up numerous time snoring like a great big fat pig.



Sunday:  Meditation this morning and not good news.  The cafe is no longer under the care of Russel Brand and will no longer be serving just vegan and vegetarian food. This is not good. Only four of us at mediation too.  Not feeling the love.  However, what I do like about East London is how arty it is. I come across this canvas, just nailed to the wall and it made me smile.  There are lots of these little gems around; you just need to keep your eyes open. I thought this one was quite apt to be honest.  I walked along the canal towards Angel and decided that I would do a bit of Christmas shopping.  There, I have said it.  Purchased my cards and some chocolates from Paul A Young, my favourites, to give to the person who gave us our free tickets to The Shard on Friday.  A few more bits and bobs and I was too cold, so made my way home again.

Andy has three of his friends over this afternoon to play a board game. His friends are so, so lovely and they always say hello and make a fuss over me. One of them made the most delicious banana bread.  I felt a small victory had been won as I got the 'knob' end of the cake and said that I got the 'knob' and not four gay men!  They really are a lovely group of people and I love them to bits. I stayed in my room, updating my blog and catching up on other things.  Bath Tub gin (my favourite) duly ordered along with amending the Tesco order to add Fever Tree tonic water.  It is getting a bit like Christmas.  I will go back to Paul A Young chocolates at Camden Passage in a fortnight and get a box of his delicious chocolates.  However, I will have to find a new Netflix box set to watch as I am two thirds through The Crown already.   

I forgot to mention that we have some new art work across the road from our flat. It highlights how long it takes on a Boris bike to get to different parts of London.  I don't know who did the timings but according to the statues, it takes 15 minutes to cycle to Shoreditch.  I think Lance Armstrong would be hard pushed to do that in 15 minutes! Especially, as they say it takes 10 minutes to get to Waterloo! However, good to see something new in the neighbourhood.

So another weekend comes to an end.  Now it is all downhill to those 24 hours a year that really test me. But in the immortal words of good old Gloria ...... I will survive!

As always, with my love x 

And all the things you never said Or didn’t have the strength to say And everything you ever did That time won’t ever wash away Fears that you’ve been livin’ with Have gone and left their trace Tears that you’ve been livin’ with Come runnin’ down your face Runnin’ down your face When the hurtin’ time begins…(The Hurting Time - Annie Lennox)

The good thing about Bridget is she has been there, done it and has the soundtrack to reflect it.  This song is so appropriate at the moment. It is such a beautiful song with wonderful, meaningful words.  As always, enjoy ...... oh and thank you Bridget x

Monday: New dawn, new day and all that!  It is strange, well not really, that when I am feeling sensitive I always have nightmares about living in that house. Last night was no exception. The detail was so accurate, even down his mother's bloody dining room table. The Universe is, once again, testing me. I am tired of it all now.  This morning, this appeared on my Timehop.  Of course it did, why are you even surprised. I guess at least my life gives all you lot a good laugh if nothing else.  

Tuesday:  Today it happened! I was standing in Costa Coffee when I heard it.  George Michael singing Last Christmas! It is November. My eyes rolled.  This evening I took a walk down memory lane.  I was invited to the Alley Cat Cub in Denmark Street in Soho.  Denmark Street has always been home to musicians but, like many places in London, it is now being redeveloped (properly into more flats that no one can afford). So why was I there? When I was 15-19 I used to babysit for the child of someone who my Dad worked with.  I used to look after him every Thursday night whilst his Mum and Dad went out and occasionally on a Saturday. Me, being me, always took him  Mr Man book and I think eventually he had the whole set.  Tonight I was going to see him again for the first time! It was so lovely to see Paul who is a musician, after all these years. I did feel a tad old to say the least.

It was a great evening and the music was brilliant. I sat with some of his friends and they made me feel so welcome. It was really lovely.  As Paul was promoting the evening, we did not really have time to chat, but we have said that we will

meet up again soon. It got me thinking about my life and how quickly the time goes.  Paul's parents and some of his friends still live in my home town and I thought it was like: Where I was from; where I have been and where I am now. I have more revamps than Madonna! It got me thinking how different my life could have been.  Funny old world.

Wednesday:  I did not want to get up this morning; in fact the alarm clock woke me up. Training all day today at the Oval Cricket ground.  It really is a beautiful venue.  I had to give in and buy a Christmas card today (sigh) which will become apparent over the weekend.  Straight home, PJs on, washing done and a quiet evening.  I did say to Andy could we not just put in a huge order to Tesco and shut the door and not venture out for the next five weeks until it is all over and done with!

Thursday:  Very busy day with the 8.30 to 5.30 (no more 9.00 - 5.00) but it was good to have lunch with a colleague.  Back home and payday accounts duly done.  I was wish for a while then paid everything and are now poor ....... sigh. So tonight it was the monthly Tesco order. We have started to do this for a couple of quid as it is easier to have some of the heavier stuff delivered and also the time it takes up actually going to said supermarket.  It is a pain, but when it is done it is another thing off the radar.  So the weekly bitch fest of The Apprentice now.  I lead such an interesting life!

Friday:  Work done and dusted and tonight I was out. However, before we go there, I will have to share a story with you.  During the afternoon I was working and put some TV on in the background.  It was Who Do You Think You Are with Danny Dyer.  So he rocks off to a pub in the East End, by the Mile End Road and it was the same pub that Bart and I went in back in the summer. The landlord serving Danny Dyer was the same one who Bart ended up arguing with.  I sat and just stared at the TV. You really could not KEEP making up could you?  What are the chances of that and how many pubs are there actually in London?  

So tonight Andy and I had 'acquired' two tickets to go up The Shard.  I cannot say how we got them, but a friend of his knew I wanted to go  and had some spare tickets and gave them to me. Me being me, got dressed up and wobbled down to London Bridge.  The views were stunning, even thought I thought the building was moving all the time.  London is truly a beautiful city; one that has stole my heart. We had a free glass of bubbly and swanned around The Shard taking photos and looking for our flat.  We found it eventually.  I remember when The Shard was being built and that awful summer of 2011 when I found myself alone in London.  I went to the chapel at Guy's and stood in the courtyard looking at this amazing building.  Now I can see it form my lounge and my bedroom window. It will always be so dear to my heart for so many reasons.  

My next aim is to go to the Hotel for afternoon tea.  However, I will have to save up for that one. But it was a lovely evening and I still cannot believe that this wonderful City is my home.

As always, with my love x

When a moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie That's amore When the world seems to shine like you've had too much wine That's amore (That's Amore - Dean Martin)

Dean Martin.  What a smoothie he was. Tall, dark, handsome.  Ticks a lot of my boxes, but alas dead. Which let's face it makes a change from being gay. Love this song as it reminds me of my childhood too.  As always enjoy!

Saturday and Sunday:  Lazy morning as it was so cold. So made some tea and porridge and went back to bed and watched Peter York's Hipster Handbook on Channel 4. Oh I loved this programme.  I knew exactly where the majority of it was filmed and as you know, I am rather partial to a hipster.  There was one point where I could just see Andy's roll when it showed the Mast Brother's chocolate making empire. I will not ruin it for you, watch it on More 4 and enjoy the moment.  You can take the boy out of the North; but you cannot take the north out of the boy!

So tonight is date night. Grayson has reached Level 5. Well done him, which is is remarkable really isn't it.  We are off to Stoke.  Newington. Stoke Newington. I have just had the Gok Wan show with George Michael singing as I parade numerous outfits in front of Andy for us to decide what to wear.

So date night didn't really pan out how it should have done. I think I am cursed with anything with the word Stoke in it! Not all lost. Lovely Thai meal and the restaurant had photos of all my beautiful Bangkok temples on the wall. I had my favourite: tofu Massaman curry and rice. It was really a simple little cafe really but the food was wonderful.

The rest of the weekend was challenging and I am not prepared to go into details here, but needless to say it is decision time.  It did not help when at the very small Overground Station I saw a ghost, and I mean literally the name of a ghost,  from Christmas pass waiting for

the same train as me.  There are 7.5 million people in London and there they were, waiting for the train.  You really could not make it up could you? When that flight of fight feeling sets in and all you want to do is get home as quick as you can, the Universe decides that sure OK you can do that but we will just make it as painful, emotional and difficult as we can for you.  I did hesitate and wondered whether to wait by the stairs and then thought 'sod it' and just walked passed them.  Like most people, they had their head in their phone and did not see me. They went into the first carriage; I into the second. 

Finally home and a quick debrief with Andy before he went out then I just had a shower and went to bed.  It was 17:00.

It has been the best of times; but the worse of times.

As always, with my love x