I'd say love was a magical thing I'd say love would keep us from pain Had I been there, had I been there I would promise you all of my life But to lose you would cut like a knife So I don't dare, no I don't dare 'Cause I've never come close in all of these years You are the only one to stop my tears And I'm so scared, I'm so scared Take me back in time maybe I can forget Turn a different corner and we never would have met Would you care (Different Corner - George Michael)

Well as you know I was blogging the Pride soundtrack from Spotify this month. But last night, I heard the devastating news that my lovely, sweet George Michael was dead.  I cannot tell you how upset I am about this. I am totally heartbroken.  This Christmas Day was a good one (you will read about it in a minute), I was happy.  I should have known really shouldn't I that something would come along and take it away from me. George Michael has been on this amazing journey with me.  Wham, all that energy, the lyrics, the songs they are the soundtrack to my twenties; then just George who, like me, in 1987 found himself on his own. Starting over again, alone, confused.  Faith was one of the first CDS I every bought and I played and played it.  Meg was brought up with it! It is the sountrack of her childhood. When she went to Berlin with the school she was in The Hard Rock Cafe and she said that Faith come on and she sang along and just loved the bit where he says 'Baby' (you all know the bit).

Last Christmas always reminds me of my Dad and Brother.   I can see us now at the Bowater's Club on Boxing Day all those years ago thinking that we should get back home to my Mum and then thinking stuff it let's have another drink (gin for me and my Dad) and singing along to this. Priceless.  Even Ian gets a mention.  A Different Corner was our song and I will use this one to front this blog.  The line is .... 'turn a different corner and we never would have met'. That was us, we used to laugh at this line as it summed us up.  In 2006 Ian and I went to see him (well I wanted to go) in Manchester. What a gig.  It was a karaoke evening of George and I sang and danced, hit after hit after hit.  I have never heard a bad word said against him.  Even this year at work we had a quiz and there was a George Michael question and of course I got it right! I told me colleagues that I would never hear a bad word against him.

We all have our demons and George had his but he could laugh about them and embrace them.  I just loved the song Outside where he just takes the piss out of himself for being caught in the toilets with a bloke. Priceless. The Sun hounded him, finding any excuse to make a homophobic comment. But George was George. Even when he went to prison it was said that every night the lads on the wing would play pool with him and ask him to sing!  This makes me smile. George Michael made me smile, he was there with me every step of the way. He 'made the sun shine brighter than Doris Day'. Then the first Christmas I feel happy again, he dies. My first Christmas was his Last Christmas.  Thank you George for the songs, the lyrics, your beautiful voice and amazing smile, for not allowing your music to be sold in South Africa during apartheid, for staying true to your working class roots, for speaking out for freedom of sexuality.  For laughing at himself when inside he was dying, for probably being the first gay man I have fallen in love with (there have been many more since) and for sharing part of my journey with me. Thank you my dear friend,  I shall miss you.

Christmas Eve:  The first time since 2010 I did not wake alone on Christmas Eve.  It has taken me six long, painful years to let someone back into my life. I always told myself that I would build this wall around me that would not allow anyone to harm me again.  But by doing that you stop so much from happening. I never thought, back in May this year, that I would get one date with Grayson, let alone eight.  He thinks it is amusing that I have counted them!  We had a lovely morning/lunchtime but it was soon time for him to go.  He had 'family' commitments and I get that, it is Christmas this is what happens and this is how it is. But he has now left his toothbrush in our bathroom and I think that is kind of cool.  It made me smile. I thanked him for making this Christmas different to all the others.  I feel I have come a long, long way ............ finally.

With Grayson gone, I tidied up and had a shower and then sat back and relaxed. I had quite a nice evening to be honest.  I think have got to the stage now where I know there is nothing I can do to change things, Christmas Day will come and go, but feeling in a really good place and intend staying there, because let's face it, I am sure that no one else is sitting there thinking of me!

It was a good day. I went for my annual walk to Guy's Chapel to spend some time with my Dad then walked along the River.  It was so busy; so many tourists.  I am sure I was the only one there who actually lives here.  Managed to find some coffee and sat on my favourite bench watching the people go by. I started talking to a rough sleeper.  I never caught his name, he was from Spain but normally 'lives' in Ramsgate but wanted to come to London. He was lying by Waterloo Bridge.  I asked him how he was and how was his Christmas Day and he said he was happy, he had this lovely view, a priceless view that would, as we both agreed, would cost millions to live there! He was reading some books and we spent time talking about those. He had plenty of food, I asked him, We just enjoyed our conversation.  He said that the Spanish have a saying that Manana is the busiest day! Ain't that the truth. He had such a lovely chat. We should not judge, but we do.  None of us know, and me in particular, know how our life will pan out, what shocks or surprises are in store for us.  This man brightened my Christmas Day Morning.  The families walked by and some of the children had their new toys and it reminded me of my dear Meg. I still cannot believe I live in London.  This place has given me a life back and for that, I will always be so thankful.

Back home, sushi and gin and Frozen. All rock and roll my friends, all rock and roll. The line in Frozen I laughed at the most was 'Take me up the North Mountain'! I know, childish but so funny.  I had some lovely presents too. I felt so blessed. Andy had put me together a Survival Pack for Christmas.  Gin, chocolate, Bridget Jones' Baby music CD, the complete set of Gimmie, Gimmie, Gimmie and the AbFab movie. What a star he is! Jackie in NZ sent me a beautiful calendar and a plaque about friendship, so lovely. I had chocolates and even some money, hand cream, a beautiful paperweight, a mug, more gin and a colouring book with Peppa Pig crayons.  What more could a girl ask for.

It had been a good day. Then I heard the news about George Michael. I laid awake until 3.33 watching the news, crying and just feeling terribly sad. Tragic news.  Anyone who knows me will know that I will be heartbroken

Boxing Day:  I What's App Andy last night but he was asleep; his message woke me when he read the news.  He could not believe it! I still cannot believe it. I can't stop crying, which I know is sad but true.  They have just had a tribute to him on Radio 2 song, after song, after song! George Michael you have left us with so much to be happy and thankful for.  Then the homophobic comments start to appear on friends of friends FB pages.  I am not having it. I reported them as a Hate Crime.  One of my friends said what is the point, he has challenged FB in the past and they do nothing. Sadly he is right. But as I pointed out to him, I live my life by the following mantra and I just cannot remain silent:

First they come for the socialists and did not speak out because I was not a socialist;
Then they come for the trade unionists and did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they come for Jews and I did not speak out because I was not a Jew;
Then they come for me then there was no one left to speak for me

Powerful words but ones I try to live my life by.

I decided at noon that I should get showered and dressed.  I did, dressed in my PJs. Didn't feel like going out to be honest. I really cannot tell you how upset I am, but it will pass.  So a quiet day watching back to back episodes of Bad Girls (yes I know) and stuffing my face. A long, sad day. I was in bed (alone) for 18:00. But tomorrow is another day and I will be out and about, but will have George on my headphones.

As always, with my love x