From an early age I was taught to respect That a broken heart girl Ain't a thing you collect Close your eyes and say Nothing lasts a day You're wasting my time Yet I love to love you (The Night You Murdered Love - ABC)

So this final song is not from the Lexicon of Love. That album has lasted in my life longer than any man and almost any other relationship I have had with a human being - sad but true.  I had forgotten about this song until I heard Martin Fry sing it on Tuesday evening and I thought how much I liked it.  So here it is, as always, enjoy!

Saturday:  Really anxious about my back, which is not good as being stressed about it makes me tense and being tense will not help my back ...... sigh. Up, showered and dressed and I was soon off to the tube to collect my friend Ian. I met Ian at the Meet Up in Stoke a couple of years ago and we have stayed friends ever since. He had come down from his own in Cheshire to come to the Morning Gloryville rave with me. We dropped his bag off at my flat and then caught the tube to the venue. It was great. So many people but I was not hitting the dance floor full on as I was anxious about my back. But we danced, chatted and laughed and had a great time.  The atmosphere at these venues is so good, so much love and such a relaxed vibe.  All so good.

We then went over to Waterloo to Wahaca for some delicious Mexican food. So good then over to the pub for a quick drink before catching the bus back to my flat.  We had a coffee and sat chatting away to Andy and then Ian had to leave to check into his hotel (he is staying down in London all weekend meeting friends). So Ian left and Andy was not long behind him as he was out this evening. I am not out. So I spent the evening in my room watching Black Mirror on Netflix. I really enjoyed the last two series and this one was not disappointing. Really good writing.  Excellent series.

Sunday:  London was bathed in a cloak of fog this morning.  So much so, that when I was making my way over London Bridge you could not see a thing.  I did feel sorry for the tourists who are still around with their selfie sticks - no views today.  I got off the bus a few stops earlier and walked through Shoreditch Park. I wanted to feed the squirrels as I had popped into Tesco earlier to buy some nuts for them. However, they obviously thought it was a rotten morning and had decided to stay in their beds, or wherever they sleep.  Actually, where do squirrels sleep? Andy thinks they sleep in trees so I Googled it.  They sleep in trees, in nests and snuggle up to each other.  Sound bliss.

My morning then went rapidly down hill.  I get to the cafe and Gary, one of the staff was outside. He said that another member of staff had rung in sick and he had no keys, so they would not open today.  I guess it is what it is. I walked back and caught some rather lovely Halloween street art, then, got on the first bus and then changed at Somerset House onto another bus.  As we were going over Waterloo Bridge (still my favourite bridge) the driver hit the brakes so hard. I mean really hard. My bag went flying down the bus and so did I, only stopping by hitting both arms on the hand rails which stopped me from being thrown down the aisle of the bus. Some idiot had decided to do a U turn on Waterloo Bridge.  I mean as if.  So now I am the owner of a back that keeps twinging, a left arm with a bruise and lump on it courtesy of my flu jab, a left upper arm with a huge bruise and lump on it, thank you TFL and my right forearm is now black, once again thank you TFL. I have to be honest, it kind of shook me up. I got home and lay on my bed and felt rather emotional.

I decided, as you do to cheer yourself up, to watch Wuthering Heights. My favourite book of all time. Oh how I love this book. The film was OK and there are so many wonderful lines in the book:   

'He's more myself than I am. Whatever our soles are made of, his and mine are the same, or what about 'If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger' then there is 'Be with me always - take any form - drive me mad! only do not leave me in this abyss, where I cannot find you! Oh, God! it is unutterable! I can not live without my life! I can not live without my soul!' but my favourite line of all is 'I have not broken your heart - you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine' ain't that the truth Megan.

So obviously, this made me feel a whole lot better. I then decided to sort out my wardrobe, taking out summer clothes and replacing them with winter and bagging up 'stuff' I no longer wear.  This never happened either, just took out winter 'stuff' and put all summer 'stuff' in the suitcase.  I will worry about that come spring. I cooked us a lovely Sunday dinner and we rounded up the evening watching all the rubbish we had recorded.  I really do need to get a life!

As always, with my love x

When they find you beached on the barrier reef And the only pleasure treasured is in map relief The choice is yours, sure, saint or thief Don't ask me I already know (Valentine's Day - ABC)

Another classic track from this wonderful album.  As always enjoy.

Monday:  Dragged myself together and sat and drunk some coffee with us both still chatting away and laughing and I left Grayson's flat at 11.00ish and made my way to Euston to meet my dear friend Cherise and her family.  We have not seen each other for over a year and it was so lovely to see her again. We hugged and hugged and hugged. So today was a memory day.  We got the tube and made our way to Buckingham Palace the children loved it.  We walked down the Mall, Trafalgar Square and to Horseguard's Parade where the children had their picture taken with the solders on their horses. I explained to them that I had many a picture taken like this when I was their age.

We walked passed 10 Downing Street, along to Big Ben and the Houses of Parliament. It was so lovely to see them. Along the river, past the London Eye, Southbank, Tate Modern and the Globe.  Mamie was really interested in Shakespeare and wanted to see the Globe. Then off to Nando's for lunch and a good sit down.  We were taking photos, laughing and having a wonderful time.

Then off along the river to Tower Bridge, over Tower Bridge and to Tower of London then back on the tube up to Euston.  We were all tired. I had the wrong shoes on as I had come straight from Grayson's but all was well.  Then it was time to say goodbye.  I hate goodbyes.  Mamie said when was I coming back to Stoke and I explained that I would not be coming back. Sam said not even for 1 million pounds and I said no and they both could not understand that. I started to get upset, the Mamie got upset because I was upset, so I had to pretend not to be, so Larni took the children away and I got really upset with Cherise.  I really do miss them so much. They are like my own little family, but Cherise knows why I will not go back. She said they will be back again next year to see me. We hugged. I cried. They left and I cried all the way to the bus.  It was such a lovely, memory day.

Tuesday: I did not want to get up this morning.  I wanted to stay in bed, but I did not as once again, I was busy.  Work done and dusted I joined Andy and some of his friends for a sneaky drink which was really nice then caught the bus to Waterloo.  Tonight I went to see ABC at The Festival Hall. Amazing.  The majority of the people were 'my age' and it was great.  I cannot believe that this album is now 34 years old.  What happened there? The soundtrack to my life being played out with an orchestra and it was amazing. I did cry a couple of times because it was all a tad emotional, but good. 

There is nothing like live music to heal to soul and tonight my soul was healed and nourished.  I cannot believe I have now heard that album played in full, with an orchestra.  I am truly blessed. 

Wednesday:  Quiet day today work wise, thank goodness. I did what I had to do and not much else.  I got some cakes and Andy and I sat and watched the GBBO final after we put away a huge Tesco order which means there is still nothing in the cupboard to eat. Watched GBBO and I had kind of guessed who I thought would win weeks ago, so no surprises.  

Thursday:  After work tonight I met my friend Christine at the pub (as you do in London) and was introduced to some of her lovely friends. We went to King's College to take part in a think tank debate on the gender pay gap.  There were two female High Court Judges, a successful legal professional and a professor and the talk was so interesting. It reminded me how much I miss academic study. I went to chat to Her Honour Justice Kent afterwards to put a thought of mine across and we stood chatting for a while. She said that she did not believe I was in my 50s. So my friends, if High Court judges do not believe my age then all in the world is good for me.

Back home and the usual Thursday excitement - The Apprentice.  I do not know why I watch it as it drives me mad.  How can anyone be so money driven? I really do not understand it.

Friday:  My back reminded me that it is still not happy this morning. Nothing too painful, but painful enough. I have made an appointment to see my GP in a few weeks to discuss. Busy day 'at work' aka home printing, updating, writing reports and making phone calls. Then late afternoon I walked down to Boots for my flu jab.  I do not normally have one but I was so ill last year and now I am working with vulnerable and ill people I think it is only right for me to have this. My employer pays for it, but I could have had one anyway at the GPs. That done and dusted I just had a quiet night.  Where do the weeks go?

As always, with my love x

Debonair lullabies in melodies revealed In deep despair or lonely nights He knows just how you feel The slyest rhymes, the sharpest suits In miracles made real (When Smokey Sings - ABC)

So this track is not on The Lexicon of Love, in fact it is on a completely different album I do not even own. But I love this song.  So here you are, enjoy.

Saturday and Sunday:  Woke early this morning, of course I did, it is Saturday!  So hanging around really, as not sure if I am out later or not. I suspect I will not be as Grayson sounded terrible. Andy and I placed an order with Tesco so at least we may have something to eat.  My store cupboard is so empty. My poor old Nan would turn in her grave if she saw how little there was in there.  But this is London life, you pick stuff up as you go. The problem is, I cannot carry much at the moment as I am trying to be sensible - hence the shopping order.

So Grayson texted and said come over, so I did. I had such a lovely evening, laughing, chatting, laughing, watching Mach of the Day (he supports Arsenal) and we both spent far too long trying to think of Peter Crouch's name, with me eventually remembering it!  How impressed was he.  So that was very much the weekend. We ordered the most delicious Thai food and he popped out to the off licence, leaving me in the flat (I was impressed with this). I cannot tell you how comfortable I felt.

So I finally left his flat Monday morning at 11.00am to make my way to Euston station.  I could have quite easily stayed (apart from the fact I was looking forward to my day with Cherise, but you know what I mean) and I know I was most welcome to stay.  So all is good.  All is very, very good. I am feeling very blessed.

As always, with my love x

Searching for certainty When it's such an unstable world Searching for something good And I'm looking for the real McCoy Blueprint: That says that boy meets girl Picture: Girl meets boy A blueprint that says that the boy meets the girl Picture in a magazine (Tears Are Not Enough - ABC)

Andy had never heard this track either. I guess it is because I just love the whole album and are gleefully working my way through it.  As always, enjoy.

Monday:  I did not feel the love for Monday morning. It as dark and you can feel the cold on it's way.  I had to go to North London first thing, so I took the bus from outside the flat. I had to walk past the Guardian offices and I had a little giggle as it reminded me of a scene from The Thick of It.  They should bring that back now after the brexit fiasco.  That meeting done I then had to get over to South East London. I am certainly travelling around. All meetings done and dusted it was back on a train into town.  So a busy day, but all good.  

Tuesday:  My back reminded me today that it is not repaired!! So more pain relief.  Busy day at work. They are always busy days but I love it.  I really love my job.  Andy had a friend over this evening so to give them some privacy I went to the pictures. Not to my lovely Picture House Central but to the Odeon at Surrey Quays.  Bit of a come down.  I went to see the new Tom Hank's film - Inferno.  I have seen all the over Dan Brown films and have always liked Ron Howard's films but I did not feel the love for this film.  It is OK, nothing more. So don't rush to go and see it.  Back home and all is well.

Wednesday:  Working from home all day to day and it was full on. Received a reply to my text from Grayson and the third date is on for Saturday. But more about that later, but I do have to save it is rather exciting and it has totally blown me away what we are doing! The flat has felt cold today, I need to be flying south for the winter.  I say this every year. Every year I stay. Unlike my dear friend Sarah who is now not going to stay in Europe for Christmas, but is going to Australia.  Oh I hope my Premium Bond numbers come good.

How I have looked for most of the past two weeks! Well not a waist that size!

Thursday:  Oh I love my job.  I am out and about all over London, and to some extent the UK too, meeting so many interesting people and work colleagues. I feel really blessed.  I just wish my back would ease up.  It is 100% better than it was, but it is still not right.  I wanted it to be OK for Saturday, but it looks now as if it will not be.  I will explain to Grayson, he will be fine.  See look, I am doing it again, not worrying just accepting.  Quiet night in with Andy and myself giggling like school children at most things on the TV. If anyone watched us they would never believe us. We just laugh so much.  Life is good.

Friday:  I have told my back not today!  Grey, cold day in London.  The leaves on the tree outside of my window are now turning brown and slowly drifting off the branches. People walk by with coats and scarves; winter is knocking slowly on the door.  Change of plans on the horizon. Grayson rang at 18:30 sounding absolutely terrible and apologising profusely that he is not sure about meeting up tomorrow.  We agreed that he would ring me tomorrow for an update. C'est la vie. Tad disappointed as where I was to meet him would have been so great but you cannot help feeling ill can you?  All is good.

As always, enjoy x 

Like the Phoenix coming back from the ashes, uh-huh I know what's good but I know what trash is (Many Happy Returns - ABC)

Quite appropriate this one, like the phoenix coming back from the ashes. She is back. Painkiller free, yet cautious of back but determined to have a weekend. So as always, enjoy.

Saturday:  I have a new dirty little secret on a Saturday morning! What is it I hear you cry! Coach Trip.  I used to love coach trip in a past life and now have found it again on a Saturday morning.  I said to Andy that we should go on it, can you imagine. However, we would have to have so much time off work to do it, but I do like Brendan. Washed and out this morning and walked to Borough Market to buy the usual lovely bread, mushroom pate and olives.  I had a flirtatious moment with the guy on the olive stall (he is rather lovely) and was going to grab a coffee but once again, the back was aching.  

Back to the flat and held up on the sofa, which let's face it makes a change from the bed. I am suppose to be out tonight, only local, for a few drinks.  I will have to see how I am feeling. So I went out, just to the three local pubs near to my flat. It was a good night and great to catch up with people I haven't seen for a few weeks.  Played it safe, stuck to small glasses of wine, but pleased that I went and had a great evening. One of my friends is going to Australia for a few weeks and coming back via Bangkok, so I need to message him with some ideas where to go and what to see.

Sunday:  Oh what a Sunday morning.  The weather was appalling and I hit the snooze button at least three times. To say I got drenched before I got to meditation would be a slight understatement; but pleased that I went and once again it gave me the opportunity to catch up with people. It is so good to see people who have come out the other side from feeling unhappy with their lives. That aside, Hannah, Emma and I left the cafe and went somewhere else for something to eat and a drink and a good old natter about what has (or has not) been going on in our lives.  Yet again, it was good to catch up.

Back home and my back ached so I took it easy (again). It is driving me mad now as there is so much I want to be doing but need to rest up and be 'sensible'. I will figure it out. I am just pleased that things are healing.  So tonight Andy and I caught up with all the rubbish we had recorded all week.  All is well, but it is a full moon so all the weirdos will be messaging me!

As always, with my love x

Since we're skimming the surface darling Now's time to get in deep You've opened up the envelope But there's still one secret you keep (Show Me - ABC)

Well I did warn you that I love this album, it is one of my favourites of all time and this track is no exception.  Great music and wonderful lyrics. As always, enjoy!

Monday:  'It's a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts to go okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces' - Bridget Jones

I should have this quote tattooed on my arm.  Today I was interviewing, so I wore my new dress and looked, even if I say so myself, really smart. I got to work and all was well. Went to the toilet and boom, my back gave way on me (again). Two years ago this happened and it took me 45 minutes to crawl upstairs to my bed, whilst Andy was screaming down the phone that he was going to call an ambulance.  I had never known pain like it. Today was not much better. I must have looked ghastly as when I returned to my desk people were asking if I were OK. I wasn't.  It is my fault. I said to Andy on Sunday that life is good at the moment. A job I adore, our lovely flat and home, friends and a kind of sort of relationship thing with Grayson. Then this.  

I got through the day (I could have gone home but didn't) and then went to my room and dosed myself up with even more painkillers and even took two diazepam and slept. I did not move all night.  This really is not what I need right now and really wish I could just be given a break ..... not literally.

Tuesday:  This morning I cried. I was in pain and Andy was being so caring. He is not my carer, he is not family, he is not my partner. He is my friend. He helped me do some things before he went to work love him and I tried to sit at the table but it was too uncomfortable so sat on my bed and made time to walk around the flat every 30 minutes.  I also found some slow release ibuprofen that someone gave me last time my back gave way so I took one of them.

I am not saying anything. However, as the day has gone on things have got slightly easier, however the side affects from the bucket load of painkillers I took on Monday were rather unpleasant but may result in weight loss. Every cloud my friends; every cloud!

So tonight I was faced with an ethical dilemma and one that I needed to do. Andy had a friend fly in from the States (long story, not going into it) who was travelling with a friend.  I did not want Andy to be outnumbered so I took one for the team. Drugged myself up with everything I had, put on some make up and met the three of them for dinner.  Sigh. Americans. From Florida - of course, there is only one state in that bloody country! I had heard so much about this bloke and I was not disappointed, he's lovely. His travelling companion was a woman who had never left the States before!  Anyway, he thought I sounded posh in comparison to Andy which did make me giggle and he brought me some Reece's and some sweets called Tootsie Roll which I did point out to him means feet roll over here!  Americans. Sigh. 

We ended up at Wahaca as you know my friends, is one of my favourite places. No tequila for me. I was tripping on all painkillers as it was let alone adding alcohol to the mix.  But a lovely evening and it was good to see Andy's friend after all these years.  I said my goodbyes early as I was beginning to feel rather uncomfortable but I was so pleased I made it there for my friend for some moral support.

Wednesday:  The week is flying by, however the fact that I am drugged up may have something to do with that.  Needless to say, I am still working. Actually got quite a bit done today.  Tonight we are hosting the American who I shall call Thomas so that you do not get him muddled up with the American. Even though he is American.  So chip shop tea in my room, on my bed, cutting down on the painkillers.  It was good to meet Thomas though, I have heard so much about him and he was lovely.  Quick catch up with Andy before bed and that was it, Wednesday over and done with.

Thursday:  No diazepam last night but slept ok and actually turned on my side at a couple of points.  Quiet morning working at home.  Andy is off to Manchester this lunchtime with work and I am taking the afternoon as TOIL. So a really lazy day.  To say I am fed up with this now is a slight understatement.

Friday:  One of the best aspects of my new job is that I get to meet some amazing, inspirational and strong people.  Today was no exception. However, the bus journey there and back leaved a lot to be desired.  So it is Friday. No plans tonight but I am now officially going cabin crazy, so tomorrow I am out!

Hopefully, normal service shall be resumed next week.  

As always, with my love x

If I were to say to you Can you keep a secret? Would you know just what to do Or where to keep it? Then I say I love you and foul the situation Hey girl, I thought we were the right combination (Poison Arrow - ABC)

I really do not think there is any song I do not like on this album, the problem is trying to figure out which ones to use next.  As always, enjoy.

Saturday:  So I ended up on the phone with my dear friend Cherise for about two hours late Friday night.  For once, she was being the mother and I the child. We had a good chat about 'stuff' and the things on my mind and it kind of made me see things a great deal clearer.  Like she said 'you of all people deserve to be happy Karen' and then she gave me the quick run down on Frozen and a soundtrack of all the songs.  Love you Cherise.

So this morning I made my way up to Newport Street Gallery which is about a 20 minute walk from my flat.  This gallery has recently opened and is owned by Damien Hurst, yes the one with the cow.  The building this week won the RIBA Stirling Prize.  The awards are given across the UK recognised as significant contributions to architecture.  I was not disappointed.  The building itself has evolved from the conversion of former theatre carpentry and scenery painting workshops and is, in my opinion - amazing. The light coming into the gallery just bounces of the white walls. As for the staircases, they are so beautiful as they curve their way through the building, flanked by cream coloured open brick work.  Beautiful.

The work of Jeff Koons was being exhibited. I knew nothing of this artist but fell totally in love with their work.  He creates artwork depicting the vinyl inflatable but creates them in materials such as stainless steel. They look like vinyl, but they are cast in aluminium and are meticulously painted to appear exactly like the real thing. There are no barriers around the art and you can get really close, and trust me, they look like inflatables.  Fascinating and beautiful, each piece in their own right.  I really liked this work.

Left the gallery after having a great chat with one of the guides and caught the bus up to Trafalgar Square where I went to see the new forth plinth.  The artwork being displayed now is the work of David Shrigley and is a big thumbs up.  I guess after Brexit and all the other doom and gloom of 2016, this is just what we need right now.

Popped in the National Portrait Gallery and there was a Antony Gormley statue called Object suspending from the ceiling in the main hall.  I do like his work. I have been fortunate enough to see some of it: The Angel of the North, Another Place at Sefton Beach and now this. Wonderful.  After this I popped into Picture House Central to collect my annual members ticket.  I joined a few weeks ago. I love this cinema so decided to become a member. I also collected my free ticket and used it to see Bridget Jones's Baby (again).  So I still had a couple of hours to kill so went shopping. I have never had so many clothes. One new dress later I was feeling rather happy. Back to the cinema and huge glass of Malbec (thank you Grayson for introducing me to this) and I was off to see my old friend Bridget.  I saw this film the day it come out and so wanted to see it again and once again I laughed, cried, laughed and laughed.  So many scenes were just me.  Oh Bridget my dear friend.

Took some Wasabi home and that was it, my day over. However, I did have such a great day, I saw so many wonderful pieces of art and still have to pinch myself that this is my playground. I am so lucky to be living here in London and are feeling rather excited about where my life is now taking me. It is all good my friends.

Sunday:  I woke at 5.00am and could not get back to sleep until around 6.30am then woke up at 10.15am.  Crazy.  Today was sough dough bread making, so I got that started and then Andy and I went to the library, well that was for me, then to do some shopping. I hate food shopping now, it is such a chore and I never come back with anything to cook either.  We both had a late lunch and Andy reverted back to his default for the past few days: back on his new Playstation kill things in various different ways and I did my accounts and caught up on some emails.  Spicy parsnip soup duly made and bread proving, just a typical Sunday.

So I will leave you with some more art by Jeff Koons being exhibited at Newport Street Galllery.

As always, with my love x

Play Doh

Nicely placed I thought :)

When your world is full of strange arrangements And gravity won't pull you through You know you're missing out on something Well that something depends on you (The Look of Love - ABC)

I wonder how many of you read the title and then sang it? Another wonderful (in my opinion) tune and so many lines I could have used. So as always enjoy and do please sing along ..... you know you want to!

Monday:  This morning it was cold.  There was a little condensation on the bedroom window.  Autumn has arrived.  Working from home today but had a meeting in the North.  Ironically, it was right near the Emirates Stadium. Funny old thing the Universe (more about that later).  This evening I was back to my course, which I am still not sure about if I am honest.  It makes me think and I really do not need to think any more!  However, I guess thinking is good. However, in the break I had a fright. I was eating my dinner (food is provided, all vegetarian for £5) and looked up and there was the American! But he looked different. He looked really healthy, well dressed and groomed.  I looked at his name badge (we all have them) and his name was Scott! The same as the American; yet there was something not quite right.  This one had more hair. It was not him, but boy oh boy it looked like him.  Well like him if he cleaned his act up!  Thank you Universe once again for that wonderful (not) curve ball.  Well they say we all have a double!

Tuesday:  Early morning trip out to the suburbs today.  I really wish the trains were running properly at London Bridge.  It feels so strange out in the sticks these days.  I guess I am just an urbanite now.  Back to the flat and I was on it, sending off emails, invites, meetings, reports, presentations the lot. I am working on a personal project in relation to my work and I love the freedom of it.  No mediation at Pimlico tonight as I was at home and it would have taken me ages to get there and back, so decided not to go. So a quiet night in with the pair of us chatting and giggling. All is well.

Wednesday: Change of plan today, no need to go into the office so worked from home all morning.  It is amazing how much I get done then this afternoon went to the hotel near me that I visited last week for the coffee morning. It was lovely sitting there. Free wifi, free coffee and lovely surroundings. As much as I like the flat it is good to get out of it at times.  Needless to say, plenty done and tomorrow I have my three month probation meeting.  Walking back I saw this notice outside of one of my little coffee shops.  Well it made me giggle. You have to love London.  But more about that later on in the week.

Thursday:  Great day today.  I passed my probation at work and are now fully employed. Go me. I also scored very highly on my assessment too.  So feeling rather smug. Busy day today, saving the world which means I do not have to save myself; far easier.  I walked to the office today and walked home.  It was a lovely day.  Then back to reality as soon as I walked into Iceland (the shop not the country) as Christmas had arrived.  Sigh.

Friday:  Busy and productive day today, but it was cold :(  I read an article in Time Out this week which unless you have lived in London, will probably think was made up.  It was under the heading 'What's the weirdest thing you've seen on the tube?' I have a selected a few.  The sad thing is I am not surprised and the weirdest thing I saw was recently on the bus going to Shepherd's Bush. It was a Sunday morning and there was a bride, in her dress and tiara, on the bus. So here are a few more:

A woman scrubbing off her leg psoriasis with a toilet brush on the Victoria line.

A guy snorting cocaine off a sleeping bald man's head!

Father Christmas gave me a bag of weed.

A man on the phone to his wife while ripping a newspaper into strips, crumpling them up and eating them.

A lady feeding her pet rat Vaseline.

And this, my friends, is why I just love London.

As always, with my love x

Well, I hope and I pray that maybe someday You'll walk in the room with my heart. Add and subtract but as a matter of fact Now that you're gone I still want you back. (All Of My Heart - ABC)

ABC the sound track of my life.  The Lexicon of Love is one of my favourite of all times albums.  There is not one track on there I do not like and this album has followed me through my life since 1982 when it was released.  I think this track is probably my favourite, but I will also probably say that to many other tracks. I could have chosen many lines to use as a heading but settled for this one. The reason why I am showcasing ABC this months is because I am going to see them in rather lovely surroundings, in a few weeks time.  But more about that later.  So as always, enjoy.

Saturday:  In my past life (and those of you who knew me in that role will remember this) I cleaned and cleaned and then cleaned some more.  Today was one of those days.  I say one of them as the flat has not had a proper clean all summer.  There is no point when living in London.  Firstly, it so hot here and coupled with the fact that we are living next door to numerous building sites, the dust just keeps coming.  Andy, love him, said he would help and we got it all done in three hours; which seemed like eight.  How I ever managed to do that week in week out (coupled with ironing) I will never know.

The rest of the day was relaxing and in my case, reviewing.  Recent events have made me look at my life and what I want from it. The problem when there is literally an elephant in the room is sometimes you have to experience one thing to get another.  We ordered pizza and watched back to back episodes of Bad Education, which makes me laugh.  All is well.

Sunday: 3:33 is back.  Do you remember 3:33? That period in my life where it

seemed every night I woke at 3:33 then could not get back to sleep.  Last night was no exception.  I know why and as I lay there, in the dark, it all kind of come clear.  Last weekend took me to somewhere where I thought I had closed down for good and would never see again and I guess I want that back in my life.  Not necessary with Grayson; that, for numerous reasons, may not work, because of the elephant in the room, but with who knows who.  It's ironic that when my marriage was over, JF said he did not want domesticity, yet he was the one who went straight into a long term relationship (and is now in another one), whereas I, did not know what she wanted and up until last weekend still did not know.  So thank you Grayson (again) you have shown me what I am ready to go and find.

Woke up to Islands in the Stream which always reminds me of my dear friend Steve.  I always get 'messages' from the radio.  Washed, dressed and ready, I left the flat.  This morning it was cold.  Autumn has arrived.  I had just missed a bus so walked to Guy's and had five minutes with my Dad.  I know I have said it before but this really means a lot to me. Caught the bus at London Bridge and was soon at Hoxton.  Meditation was good but it feels as if something there has changed and I think this will become apparent in the next few weeks. Walked with Hannah and Emma down to Shoreditch and to Spitalfields.  Sat and listened to some live music whilst drinking coffee and it really was rather lovely. Had a look around the market and treated myself to a new scarf. I do not need one, but it was me being kind to me. Popped into Tesco for some yellow roses and back to the flat for a quiet afternoon.  

So we ended up watching Hunted, we recorded it on Channel 4.  What a load of

rubbish. It is about people going on the run from the world. We decided that we would be utterly useless on this programme and dread the thought of anyone looking at our Facebook account and online 'stuff'. We decided that we would get the gays to help us. Dress us as drag queens and go on tour. Well you know me, I have always loved the gays!

As always, with my love x

Sinatra was swinging, All the drunks they were singing We kissed on a corner Then danced through the night (Fairytale of New York - Kirsty MacColl)

So the final song from Kirsty.  I could not go without mentioning this one.  OK so it is not Christmas but who cares, it is a brilliant song and there were so many lyrics I could have used from it. However, I decided on this one as it is kind of significant.  As always, enjoy.

Monday: Thank goodness I was working from home this morning.  I got home at 8.00, showered, dressed and at my 'desk' aka the dining room table for 8.55am go me.  OK thank goodness I did not have to Skype but topped up on caffeine and the day soon passed.  I felt a bit emotional about the weekend's events, in a good way. Just a bit taken back by it to be honest. I guess it is that faith is restored in something that was so scary for so long. I should have guessed I had no one to rely on to be able to talk about how I was feeling.

Was out after work. I have signed up for a new course but more about that next week.  Got back to the flat and attempted to catch up with Andy, who was more interested in his PC. He was 'listening' but not asking anything. I cut the conversation short and sat and listened to his weekend and what he had been up to.  I went to bed. No girls available to catch up with; all busy with their lives and crisis.  I should have realised really.

Tuesday:  Thinking a lot today and I know it is related to the course I have started.  Grayson said to me on Saturday night that he knew from meeting me the last time that I was a giver.  Summed me up didn't he. I explained I was an ENFJ in the Myres Briggs Test http://www.myersbriggs.org/my-mbti-personality-type/mbti-basics/ which basically makes me a giver. The trouble with givers is they can be taken advantage of by takers. I listen to others, I give time to others, I respond to others yet the first time in five years I felt something that I had not felt for five years, no one was around. I had no one talk to about how I as feeling.  So what are my options? Toughen up? Well let's face it, if had to toughen up I would have done so a few years back.  So tonight I have just gone to my room.  There is no point. We discussed last night 'what would a wise person do?' I am not wise, far from it. What should I do?  I should tell people how they have made me feel, but I won't.  I will go quiet (which I have done all day today) and I will think and I will keep my thoughts and my feelings to myself.  So if any of you know a giver, just stop and think that they may need to receive now and then.

Wednesday: A new dawn, new day and threw myself head first into work.  Busy, busy day but all well.  I had to work late to facilitate a meeting.  Andy and I had a good talk and all is now well on that, thank goodness.  I hate it when things are strained.  All is well.

Thursday:  Another busy day at work, back to back meetings and my first 1-2-1 which went really well.  I have been given the green light to work on two projects that are really dear to my heart, which in itself is brilliant.  Tonight The Fall was back on TV with the lovely Jamie Dornan in it.  I loved this series and couldn't wait for it to come back on.  The gorgeous Jamie did not do much in this episode to be honest, but he did spend most of it in a coma.  Saying that, I know of people who spend half of their lives in a coma and still function.  

Friday:  Busy day today eating cake.  It was Macmillan Coffee Morning and I was off to a woman's house in south east London to attend her coffee morning. Andy rocked along with me and we ended up at this block of flats trying to get into Kirsty's coffee morning whilst being surrounded by squirrels and a rather strange woman just shouting Page.  Of course we did.  Why are any of you surprised.  Needless to say we left without cake, which in hindsight was probably a good thing.  By now we were really hungry as we had not had any breakfast. Caught the bus back down to Bermondsey and ended up in really lovely place called The Garrison where boyo had french toast, berries, fat cream and maple syrup and I had eggs royale.  It was lovely and we were stuffed. Lovely place and I want to go back there for dinner one evening.

We then went the Bermondsey Square Hotel for their coffee morning (in the name of work I have you know). It was so lovely and Gemma the Community Manager there had baked some cakes and other members of staff had donated some too.  We explained who we were and I spent some time talking to Gemma who suggested I come and worked one day a week in the hotel (free of charge) with free coffee and also if I need a meeting room or quiet space for meetings she could arrange that too!  I just love my job.

Back home and a back to work, feeling rather stuffed but was very productive surprisingly.  Tonight I was out with PPLP my French friend.  We have not seen each other for ages since he moved to the sticks.  We met at Waterloo and went to the South Bank and caught up on all the news.  He has a girlfriend now and seems to be really happy.  It was so good to see him again and we just picked up where we had left off.  

As always, enjoy x