I'm a professional cynic but my heart's not in it I'm paying the price of living life at the limit. Caught up in the centuries anxiety (Country House - Blur)

In a past life, long, long ago, I guess I lived in a house a fairly big house in the country. How life changes you.  You think that your life is all mapped out, where you are going, what you are going to do and then one day ........ boom! Someone, something pulls the rug out under your feet and that is it. 

This week I had a panic attack.  I have not had one for a long time. I saw a young woman who I thought, but did not know for sure, was my Meg. How can any mother not know who her daughter is.  Mind you, the last words my own mother said to me whilst at my Nan's funeral was 'Sorry, I don't recognise the face' (fact). Oh I must have been so evil in a past life. When I calmed down and hid behind my sunglasses, I realised that it could not be her as this person looked like how I remembered her, some five years ago.  She would have changed by now, but in my mind she looks the same.  It hurt like hell.

As always, enjoy the music.

Monday:  My first day without my training wheels on (Andy's phase, not mine). I had an extra hour in bed as I had a terrible nights sleep.  Then in that extra hour, I had a kind of nightmare as in dreaming about things and people I did not need in my head.  The good thing about working from home is I did not have to wash my hair this morning, I just put it up. Dressed (kind of) and ready to roll. I worked so hard this morning, I had to remind myself to stop.  I guess it is because you are not distracted by other people.  I had the radio on and just ploughed through my work.  I enjoyed it and like the idea that I manage my own working pattern.  This really suits me.  So I stopped for my lunch and sat and watched the news!  Such a treat even though it was depressing.

I went to bed at 10.00pm and never saw 11.00pm and slept right round until 4.00am.  This is all good

Tuesday:  Busy day today. Worked at home then caught the bus into the office. Where I am working must be one of the safest or the dangerous places in London. I work near to MI6 which is constantly patrolled by the armed police. I hate it. I hate seeing guns on the streets, but know it is a means to an end. Back in the late 70s early 80s I was working in London when the IRA were blowing it up and my dear old Nan hated me working there in case I got hurt.  I never did. Here we are again and London is on high alert.  I am not scared, I do not even think about it, well until I see the armed response.

Work was busy and I attended my first full team meeting and met some of my

colleagues. I cannot tell you how different the atmosphere is.  Everyone, and I mean everyone, smiled and introduced themselves and asked how I was getting on and how lucky they were to have me on the team.  It was wonderful.  After this I had to go over to Millbank and collect some equipment and once again I saw one of the women I went out for a drink with the other Friday and we stood and chatted and then she introduced me to someone else and we laughed and chatted away.  So, so different.

Quiet evening, the highlight of which was the Tesco food delivery.  All rock and roll my friends, all rock and roll.

Wednesday:  Well today was a day of getting wet, drying off, getting wet again. Not feeling the love today.  A couple of things have shifted my mood and

I will figure it and take control on those things I have control over; the rest I will let it take it's course.  Things will settle and I need to make new friends and for this to happen I need to invest the time and energy. Busy day out and about and working part of the day in a cafe waiting for people to turn up. I just love the freedom of my new job.

So a quiet new in my room, reading, listening to music and catching up on crap TV. I guess we all need time out now and then.

Thursday:  Induction training today at Pimlico.  Really well organised and very, very interesting.  I have only been here for just over three weeks and I feel so proud to be working for this organisation. They really do care about their staff. You cannot tell by how people act or dress who are senior management and who are interns ........ well OK perhaps their age.  Everyone has access to everybody else's calendar. You do not have to ask for permission, it is that transparent. The whole place has such a feel good factor.  I had to make my first to major decisions today.  One was operational; I got it right. The other was management of people and let's face it I have been around the block so many times now it is all so familiar.  The girl did well.  

Still feeling off.  I think it is because so much is going good so what do we do?

We don't live in that moment but crave for the few things in our life that are not going so well. I have today tried to pull myself back into the here and now. After the training I walked up to Victoria and into M&S for some new trousers and treated myself to some Wasabi for dinner. On the way there, I come across this cool piece of art. I loved it.  Quiet night. I should have been out but for a few reasons, cancelled.  I guess I refuse to be a Camilla.

Friday: There is a quote from dear old Bridget that I always refer to in times like this:  'It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.  Good old Bridget, you can always rely on her to sum it up.  Home is good, job is brilliant, friends are ticking along, but I feel so lonely. I hate this feeling.  I am surrounded by 'friends' who don't really know me and I am just so tired of doing everything on my own.  It is all left down to me and some days it just gets so overwhelming.  If I do not do it, then it does not get done.  Tonight is one of those examples.

I managed to get a standing only ticket to the BBC Proms David Bowie Tribute Concert. How cool will this be.  I am going alone. I don't want to be, but what choice do I have.  I know it is because other things are so good it just makes the things that are shit look even more shitty.  But the whole point of this blog is to say it how it is and this is how it is.  I could really do with one of dear Steve's hugs  right now.

So the evening was rather strange.  Andy come home and we sat and talked, hugged and cried. He gets so angry with my situation and just wants to take the pain away and he can't and that makes him even more angry. Eventually, I went and had a lie down on my bed. You know that feeling, when you have cried so much your eyes just can't stay open and your head is pounding.

So off to the Royal Albert Hall for the David Bowie tribute.  I have never been to the Albert Hall before so it was rather exciting.  I paid £7.12 for the ticket and had a place (not a seat) in the gallery.  It was fabulous.  Some of the arrangements to his songs were a bit weird (in my opinion) but others were amazing, especially the rendition of Black Star.  It really was a great, if not hot, evening and I would like to go back to the RAH again.  Night bus home and eventually asleep for around 2.45am!

So a strange few days to be honest. I guess it just goes to show that I still have these wobbles and insecurities. Most people think that I am off living it up in London and all is well and generally, most of the time it is, but also I guess I am just lonely.  All will be well.

As always, with my love x